First of all, I dont know what the hell is wrong with my keyboard, but every time I attempt to put an apostrophe in a word I get the in window keyword finder popping up at the bottom. So no apostrophes for me until I figure out what the deal is or get a new keyboard.

This entry isn't going to (oh dear, it let me put an apostrophe in on isn't, figures it would fix it's self right after I mention it) be much better than my last in terms of how I'm feeling. I've got a whole different pile of crap on my plate now. And dare I even go here, but it is World of Warcraft related. Yeah, I went back to playing. I tried a bunch of other MMO's when I realized I need to play one. Simple... I really love them and I want to play them so much it feels like a need. The search ended up leading me right back to WoW. As it turns out, WoW is every bit the game I want to play, it's the other players that ruin it for me eventually and that just comes with the territory, with any MMO.

I had wanted to for a while - switch servers that is. So I did. I switched to Sentinels so I could try out the Roleplaying scene for a while and avoid the world PvP scene at the same time. Level without getting ganked and excercise a little creative writing. It started out really well. I got accepted into a reputable heavy RP guild I had to jump through hoops for in the application process and I met a couple of really neat people on the side. Guild seemed great until I started copping bad vibes from the female guild leader. I'm not even going to go into it for fear of sounding like vain dick head, but I know exactly why Judean doesn't like me anymore. And it's pretty fucking childish. I'm practicing my humility with her though and I still do nothing but kiss ass. Eventually the kindness has to kill her. And if not, well then at least I know I was never the asshole.

I met an awesome guy and an awesome girl. When I wasn't questing or roleplaying with one, you could find me with the other. Don't all good things have to come to a shitty end though? They sure as fuck do. I really need to learn that when people seem too good to be true, they are, and I need to run the other way quick. I should have known something wasn't right when Astralle and I were getting along SO ridiculously well. Girls just don't click like that on WoW. There's too much jealousy and competition flying around. But there we were, best buddies. Subtle red flags started to fly and I began to notice she thought I was a male. Stupid was I to think when she found out I wasn't, that it wouldn't matter. Sure enough, as soon as conversation led in that direction and it became apparent to her I was female, the friendship came to a dead stop. I didn't have a penis and wasn't drooling over her so I wasn't worth her time or investment in a friendship. My feelings were mildly hurt by that whole situation and still are somewhat.

As for the guy, we realized quickly we had so much in common it was scary. And of course, like with all males I meet on WoW, we had to jump the "Sorry, I'm taken" hurdle. It's the moment of truth where the guy either sticks around to be my friend anyway or splits when they find out they can't have me. Lykurgus (refraining from putting his real first name here) stuck around and I thought I'd found myself another Julien. Not a replacement awesome male friend made through WoW, but one similar that I could see lasting. In fact, on a completely platonic level, I *really* started to care about Lykurgus. Call me an asshole, but I get sick and fucking tired of always being the one to listen to people. It's probably why when someone is willing to listen to me for once, I can't seem to shut up. But I liked listening to him. And I felt he liked listening to me. And we would quest together and just quest. I appreciate someone I can just play the fucking game with and not have to pause every two seconds for small talk. There was conversation, and then there was game time. And then it just stopped. He's explained that circumstances outside his control have pulled him away from the game. And who am I to call him a liar. And I've done this to people... gotten close and then pulled the plug. So I guess it was only a matter of time before I got my karma. I want to get defensive and think it's some sort of vendetta or that he hates me now.. but that's probably overreacting. My feelings are hurt though and I don't want this to come out wrong but I miss him. I just don't like people very often. And I like him. And I feel like if I were the one being pulled away by life's bullshit, I'd still be making time to communicate with him. Emails.. or something. But he doesn't do that at all. He's spoke to me twice since this all fell through... once in a rather annoyed tone because I had IMed him distressed a couple of times and texted him and called him once. At the time, I hadn't heard ANYthing from him and I was actually kind of scared he was dead or something. Or his internet got shut off and he had lost my phonenumber. I was genuinely worried and feeling very insecure at the same time. The next time he hopped on WoW unexpectedly and came at me in a sort of "Just checking in so you don't freak out" manner. It didn't feel nice or lighthearted. And then he went silent for a while and logged off without saying goodbye. That was days ago and now it's back to nothing. I know I'm no one special and he has no obligation whatsoever to report to me or fill me in. Or even say hi. His life is his life and I'm just some girl two states away he met on a video game. It's a shame that the times I do decide to care about someone, I care more than is my right, and I usually end up hurt. I feel like a fool because he led me to believe he was the same way. In his words "It was like fate brought us together. We're meant to be friends." But I guess he was just blowing sunshine up my ass. My heart and soul like to balance in two extremes. Either I'm all there for you, or I can't really be there at all. If he decides all of a sudden I did matter, I'm afraid it just won't be the same. I'm not going to put myself through the hurt again, and he committed one of my pet peeves. The night he "checked in" in a slightly hostile way, he also promised.. yes.. promised.. that he was off work and free the next day and would talk to me then. This evening will mark four days ago that that was said. I never heard from him that day and still haven't.

So as you can see, a lot of things are bugging me lately. All the things from my last entry.. and now this. THIS is heart ache. THIS is the blues. It's not dramatic sobbing or deep depression, it's just a nagging shitty feeling you can't seem to shake. And as if I didn't already have enough trouble sleeping, this has all made it worse. Now not only can I not sleep at night, I can't fucking sleep during the day either. Good music only offers temporary relief. Though I'm nervous as hell about it, I'm still glad A-Kon is close at hand because I really need the vacation. I need some fun and a change of scenery and to be around some fun people.

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To Lykurgus if I had the guts to say it. I really like you and I miss you. I wish I was as important to you as I thought I was. Important enough to throw a short line here and there to, just to let me know you're doing alright and that you haven't forgotten me. Or, if the truth is that I did something wrong or hurt you or you just don't care much for me, I'd like to know. It wouldn't feel good but if there's a problem who's the say there might not be a solution. There is such a thing as a meaningful apology when someone has made a mistake, and there is such a thing as getting annoyed by someone and simply not liking their company any longer. Something here just doesn't feel fair.

To Astralle if I had the guts to say it. I think it's really shallow that you can't be my friend simply because I'm not a guy. You seem to think it's in your best interest to have someone more interested in you physically than mentally. A guy will certainly fulfill that wish for you, and be gone in a second, where as I would still be there. And I speak from experience now ^. I thought you were different and I was sad to find out I was wrong.

When you're a creative person, no matter what it is you do (drawing, painting, writing, sculpting, sewing, etc etc) you will have "I suck" moments. These may at times be countered by "I'm so cool" moments. The "I suck" moments however, are much more dramatic. There are some talented people out there and they do what they do, and they don't give a shit what anyone thinks of it. Coincidentally, those are usually the people who are the best at what they do and without even caring, they have a million people showering them with praise and compliments. And then there's people like me... who feed off of the reactions of the spectators. See, I care too much what people think about my art. And about my singing. And about all of my other little creative endeavors. In fact, it's this very thing that causes me to fall short on my road to improvement. If someone doesn't REALLY like something I've done, it kills my confidence. A little snowball of "I must not really be good at this" causes an avalanche of "Well, I must be a shitty person who no one likes". I could trace my past to all the things that I think bred this awful insecurity in me, but what good would it do? I can't take any of it back.

I feel like I'm waist deep in mud. Just like it would feel to try and walk or move waist deep in mud, is how I feel about where my talent is at this point. I try SO hard to be good at my art and singing only to find after all the effort, I've barely moved an inch. Is this it? Can I really not get any better? And why do I have to care so much what other people think? Were I able to stop, would I finally get really good? It's so frustrating to think about it actually makes me tear up and feel a sort of rage in the pit of my stomach.

I'm so fucking sick of handing over my confidence to other people. What I mean by that is.. I let what people say about my singing or my drawings determine how I feel about myself in those respects. If someone doesn't react just the way I was hoping, I hate myself and have an "I suck" moment. It's stunting my ability to get any better. My muse packs her bags and splits. My imagination slumps. Maybe I'm really not even as good as I thought I was.. and no one has had the balls to just tell me to give up. Like when a 5 year old draws an ugly squiggle and everyone tells them how great it is. Have I been lied to by the few people who DO like my art and singing?

When I ask myself the question "Why don't you just stop then? Stop drawing and painting and singing and everything else" the answer is clear. I can't. It's what I love to do. I MUST do it. But rather than enjoying it as I should, it just stresses me out. Because I know in the end I'm not "that" good. And god fucking damn it, I want to be good! I want people to like it!

Plan A. I have to stop caring so much what other people think. It's a catalyst for feeling like a failure every time. No one ever reacts the way I want them to. No one ever likes what I do as much as I wish they would. Not even Karl. I'm in this one alone. Step 2 to Plan A, I have to quit spreading myself so thin. I need to really concentrate on the art, or the singing, or one of the million things I try to get good at. Only then will the "jack of all trades, master of none" cycle end.

You know, I thought self esteem issues were bad when I was a kid and teenager.. but they were nothing then compared to how they get when you're an adult. When it's not ok to be a basket case anymore. You have to fake it. Act like everything is fine. That's the adult thing to do. It goes from being kewl to be emotional to being even kewler if you can bottle it up and hide it from everyone. Putting up a tough front and acting like you prefer to avoid confrontation or talking about your past makes you mysterious. The way I see it, I have a problem I'm about fed up with now, and I can't help but think never having anyone to talk to about it except for a fucking blog on the internet isn't going to fix anything, or even begin to help it heal.

These days, it's like I have a big growth. Right in the middle of my body. It's heavy, painful, uncomfortable, embarrassing, and I can't find a cure. I have to carry it around, hoping others won't notice it while trying to function as a normal person and ignore it... or hide it. Just when I forget it's there, it flares up. I wouldn't say it causes suicidal thoughts.. but rather a wish that I didn't exist. I really resent people sometimes who grew up well. It's not fair what I had to go through. I survived, but at what cost? Pieces of my sanity were ripped from my soul and thrown in the trash. I'll never get them back.

Well, now that I've gotten that off my chest I feel a bit better. Upon analyzing what I've written already, I guess it's pretty obvious I'm depressed right now. I imagine I have been for a while. Nothing to do but see if it passes.