- that I have a side of me that is all bitch and all "bull in a china shop" (thanks a lot MythBusters! now this analogy is busted!)

Since I can remember, I've battled anger problems and depression. In my case, these two really go hand in hand. I can't have one without the other, no matter which way I look at it. I try not to make a big deal out of these issues anymore (even though they are both very important... to fix that is), I've struggled with both for so much of my life now they are second nature. As far as both are concerned, I've improved WORLDS from where I was not four or five years ago.

You ever get mad at someone, tell them off expecting them to tussle right back with you? And then you're like "shit" when they surprise the fuck out of you and they act all civilized about it? It's these times when I realize how easily I can fly off the handle. I realize suddenly that the people pissing me off in the first place have a better grasp on their emotions and better self control than I do. I used to just deny it to myself. That I had a problem and I needed to work hard at fixing it or it would control my life. The fewer and farther between these episodes of mine occur, the more ashamed I feel about them. Anyone else out there with an anger problem, I'm sure knows... you forget that counting to ten or those deep breaths for one second and you're back to square one. It's like trying to suppress turrets. You start controlling it and fighting it the moment you wake up and you can't stop until you're asleep again. My mom thinks I'll eventually just grow out of it like she did. That's not enough for me though. I want kids pretty soon, and I don't want them to see their mommy arguing with people or raising her voice at people in disrespect.

Life is hard. Does the good really outweigh the bad? Sometimes it's hard to tell. I'm always thinking to myself "I want to be happy, or at least mostly positively stimulated" (no masturbation jokes please hehe). It's too much to ask for though if I don't deserve it 100%. I know how to put the puzzle together, I just don't quite have all the pieces. They don't come free.

You know what Michael Jackson says "If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change". Damn, he's awesome. I do want to make a change. I want a bright shining aura surrounding me and just a feeling of "good" to leave behind with every person I encounter. It's such a nice feeling when you meet someone and they just fill whatever space they are in with such light. When I was in eighth grade, my teacher Mr. M told me I had a sparkle in my eyes and he just wasn't the type of teacher to blow sunshine up your ass. I feel like I have the potential to overcome my mental health issues and I hope that sparkle will still be present when I finally reach my goal (if the sparkle even still exists.)

And now, the song of the day.