The typos in my last post were many and pretty bad but I don't really feel like fixing them. For my own satisfaction I hope I write better this time around.

It's been a pretty good last few days. Leveled like a fiend in Oblivion and we all sat around and watched Brice throw down in Fallout 3 today for hours on end. Like we were watching a movie. I admit the hype was a bit much and the game barely met my expectations, certainly not exceeding them.

As I lay in bed reading, I've been working on The Vampire Lestat, I was flooded by so many memories from my past. Completely unrelated to the book I was reading and it wasn't that Anne Rice wasn't capturing my full attention but sometimes, I just can't concentrate. I was thinking about a group of friends I used to run around with when I was in my early teens. They weren't a group I considered 'best' friends. Those described as 'best' weren't around at this time. A short time. I don't really know where they were. I think I was between my two exes at the time. Just after Kay and some time before Rachel. I had been pretty exclusively hanging out with Adam. I'd gone to school with him, kindergarten and on up but we were never really very close at school. We were both very unpopular and picked on. We had much more in common than we realized. He became my main weed smoking partner. We hung out and got high. It was through him that I met Randy and "the guys" who's names I don't even remember anymore. I'd known Jenny in school too but only at the time of Adam and Randy did I finally spend any quality time with her outside of school. I think I was in love with Adam. And Randy was in love with me. And Jenny was obsessed with the fact that I had been intimate with girls. She seemed to want that with me but I didn't feel anything like that for her. Not even when drunk. She was very sheltered and naive. Randy's house was the main hangout and so much scandal went on in that house. Randy's mom worked two jobs I think, one of which I'm certain was at McDonald's. She was rarely home. The entire house was empty from getting robbed so much (mostly Randy's stuff by Randy's male friends) but Randy's mom's bedroom was a treasure trove of cool stuff and sick stuff. Her computer was in there. We were always attempting to make music videos on her webcam, lip syncing to rap music which I hated but still somehow had fun listening to at that time. Also on her computer were hundreds of pictures of her naked but the sick thing is that she was positioned just so that it didn't take a genius to tell she hadn't taken the pictures herself. Her webcam didn't reach close enough to the bed while plugged in, and it had to be plugged in to use the self timer (which was a feature accessed on the computer, not the camera its self). She had a pretty small bed but it wasn't a twin and her autistic son (Randy's half brother) Richard slept in her bed with her and was always in the bedroom alone with her when she was actually home. You do the math. She was really a vile woman now that I look back. I think I asked Randy blatantly more than once if she was fucking Richard. I don't remember if he said yes, or maybe I've just blocked it out of my mind out of sheer horror and shock. But nothing truly shocks me so who knows. Randy was really a very sweet kid. He always took good care of me when I got drunk with all the guys. I did something sexual with Adam once at my house while drunk. He was the only male my mother would even allow in my room with the door shut. That's how close he and I were in our seemingly platonic ways. There was unspoken passion we felt for each other but I think we both knew there was an even deeper appreciation for the friendship we had. Or maybe he was just a typical male and only wanted weed and sex and I was the one with the intellect. All I know is that after the night we did stuff (not actual penetration sex) I cried to him and he left my house early that morning around 4 am or so. We only bumped into each other occasionally after that. I was deeply hurt and it's a lost friendship I may never stop wishing I had longer. I never gave in to Randy's gentlemanly advances and sadly I think the only reason was because he was kind of fat. It isn't me to be shallow like that but at that age I think we all obsess with vanity and reputation. Eventually he just drifted away from me. He later lived in the same apartment complex as I and he showed up one day to use my phone to order a pizza. He showed me some pictures of him hang gliding at an aunt and uncle's place in some other state and then again he was gone. Jenny had bad things happening in her own house as well. Her step dad was a mute and her mom was a pill popping shut in. Her mother never seemed to want Jenny to go anywhere and I remember standing in her dark bedroom as she lay swathed in a robe and blankets telling her lies about the "parental supervision" we would have where Jenny would be going with me. The house was spotless on account of the massive amount of chores Jenny did. And every now and again I would see Jenny's little sister. I never knew her name and her nick name was "Mouse". She was sort of a mute herself on account of the step father I think. Mostly a learned behavior on her part. You could see the effect all of this had on Jenny by how she would act when she went out to hang with me and the gang. She was loud and hyper and tried so hard to be cool that she ended up causing everyone to get annoyed with her and find ways to kick her out. I bleated with the rest of the sheep but I never disliked Jenny. In fact I felt really motherly towards her. She was really lonely I think and alienated. And I hope she isn't anymore. I hope she is happy but it isn't likely. It isn't likely for kids who grow up the way she and I did to ever be happy. That I escaped the fate that has befallen nearly all of my childhood friends is a miracle.

I can't help but dwell on things in my past sometimes. I don't mean to sound vain at all but to think of the people who's lives I could have had a really positive effect on and that I wasted the opportunity. It makes my gut sour. That I could have stayed friends with Adam, shown Randy that respecting a girl goes a long way, and taught Jenny how to just be herself and stop trying to prove herself to everyone. And perhaps even shared a kiss with her that she seemed to be so curious about. It makes me wish even more that I hadn't given up on Lace, my friend who overdosed and passed away. I stopped doing drugs altogether with my own will. Could I have influenced her at all? I keep awaiting the news that her twin sister Jade has died from the same thing. And here I sit so far away from her and feeling guilty that I don't try to stop her. She wouldn't listen to me anyway.

I look for all of them on the internet often. On myspace and facebook and I even google their names. There is nothing to find. People who need every cent they have for meth don't visit cyberspace often I guess. I miss them all but I don't. It's hard to explain.

Everyone loses most of their childhood friends and move on to make more. But in a selfish way I suppose I've given up. I had my friends. I lost my friends. I'm somewhat scarred from it now and I don't want to endure the loss again. I let my guard down for a while when I met Melissa, Joe, and Craig in Socorro. And perhaps it was that they were all so different that is why I don't have them anymore. Joe couldn't just be my friend for some reason and when I rejected him, even so nicely, the friendship met it's end. And Melissa was a free spirit. One minute I was stuck to her like glue and she to me and then where was she? And I never heard from her again and as fate would have it, I lost the only phone number I had to reach her at. Craig was an older man. 36 going on 37. I think I was always more his pupil than his friend. He was teaching me guitar but I learned much more from him than that. I doubt he even realized. I had planned to go to a hippy community with him for an entire summer to live off the land and trip on shrooms and play the guitar, "pickin" as he called it, and then Craig was gone too. There is something romantic in a young girl befriending an older man, even when the feelings are purely platonic. Aside from Karl's friends, whom I do value of course, I don't really have any friends of my own. I have friends I keep in touch with online but none to romp with through life. I think I try with Nida but I don't feel I can possibly tell her anything she doesn't already know. That is to say I don't think I appeal to her in a way that many others haven't already. Perhaps I'm just sensitive and afraid of losing another friend for good, as seems to be the case anytime I get too close. And the other thing that hinders me is the horror stories I hear from others of the friend who ends up becoming a parasite. The one who comes over and never leaves. Or rings the phone off the hook. I refuse to ever be such a leech and in endeavoring so hard to never be this, I alienate myself. I rarely email friends. I almost never call friends. I never want to annoy. I value my space and my solitude and would never want to come between another and theirs. Here I am growing up and yet these social hindrances cause me to recoil into the part of me that is still mostly a child. I feel very unwise. Wise people have all the friends.


Really looking forward to Halloween and tomorrow I'm going to venture out in search of spirit gum. I had some but now all I can find is the remover. I don't think elmer's or tape will hold my elf ears on very well so spirit gum it has to be. Hopefully.

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