I just can't seem to form a habit of updating this. I've had dozens of blog/journal type things over the years but I just forget about them. A lot has happened since the last time I wrote here. Ups and downs. Good and bad.
The most significant thing going on right now has more to do with Karl than me. It's trickling down onto me though and causing a daily knot of stress in my stomach. Much praise to Eric of course for helping Karl get a job here in Albuquerque before I rip this company every which way I can here. A*** seemed like a treasure chest of golden opportunities when Karl first started. He began with a contract for the infamous "Data Beast" (thanks to Eric) and it was almost predictable when they hired Karl full time and put him on salary. We were all so happy and proud and Karl was simply glowing. Well, as it turns out, this company is run by a tyrannical dictator who I imagine shifts into werewolf form every full moon and feasts on newborn babies and other innocent children. He's a monster, and his lapdog second in command is just as bad.
I'm going to refrain from using real names here to protect Karl. We'll just call them Asshole 1 and Asshole 2. Asshole 1 has somehow been running a business for 20 years now, and actually has people who have worked for him for some of if not all of that time. How? That's what I'd like to know. Asshole 2 is a balding middle aged man who wears hoop earrings like a hispanic middle school girl and plays World of Warcraft (probably the only neat thing about him). I don't even know what to make of him. Possibly bi-polar disorder.
Realizing now I could go on and on for hours about how poorly this company is managed, I'll try to keep it short. Karl works over 50 hours a week. He does not get over time (salary ftl). However, if he were to somehow SOMEHOW work even a few minutes under 40 hours a week, he would lose pay. One day he gets told he's getting fired, the next day they suck his dick and shovel cake and icecream in his mouth. Rinse and repeat.
I took it upon myself to find out the first and last names of all the higher ups at A*** and did extensive google searches on them. Was I looking for blackmail material? You bet your ass. I thought if I could find a profile by Asshole #1 on "I have candy and puppies in my van.com" I could secure Karl's job for him. Alas, my searches turned up nothing. Karl is too nice to hate the people that take advantage of him and mistreat him. Thus, I must do so on his behalf. A***, you're a bunch of stuck up dumb asses. You will never be smart enough to do the job your software team does, you're all fat and ugly now and stink like those huge nasty cigars you all smoke, and your wives are ugly! Despite the few disguises of details here, I can't help but hope this entry doesn't bite me in the ass later. If the douche bags at A*** DO ever find this though, and know exactly who I'm talking about, if they have any balls under their two inch weeners, they'll turn the other cheek and realize what shitty people they are.
Now, there is another thing I need to discuss. This, a subject almost as touchy as the above. I just spent a whole weekend with my mother in law here doing me a huge favor. Already there's something wrong with that statement. If there's one golden rule in the Daughter-in-Law Dos and Don'ts guide, it's don't ask for favors from your MIL. She came here to sew two dresses for me. I watched her just about the whole time. I can tell you first hand, it's a lot harder than it sounds, and she made TWO dresses from scratch in three days. I am forever in her debt for that. I'm happy with the results and I appreciate it, truly. The thing that irks me though is that she is very emotionally deficient. I'm sure there are reasons, but I wasn't raised by cold people in an ice palace. Terms of endearment and hugs go far with me but my MIL is so cold sometimes I swear I feel a brisk breeze when she walks by. I feel like I try really hard to balance making her like me and not being sorry her son married me with being myself around her. But no matter how much ass I kiss, I still cop a bad vibe from her and I still have to be extra careful how I talk, what I wear, etc. I remind myself often she gave birth to and raised the man of my dreams. He loves me, why can't she? In my nervous endeavors to make her like me, I fail somehow and I'm left feeling resentment. The worst part is the phony hug I get when she's leaving or when we're leaving her house. I see a hug just like a handshake. The meaning and importance behind the gesture must be felt, or it was worthless. You shake a person's hand firmly and you smile and make eye contact. It shows them "Hey, this person likes me." or "Hey, this person listened well to what I had to say. Or, I know they will when I'm ready to talk." Same thing goes for a hug. You hug firmly, with both arms, and you don't break it in a milisecond. You let the person know that that hug is important. When my MIL hugs me, it's like I'm a leper and she's giving me a pity hug. That's honestly how it feels. It turns out this way every time and as a result, I've actually began experiencing anxiety when I know we are about to hug. A third of the time, I don't even get a hug. Only Karl does. I can't tell which one feels worse anymore. The "eww you have coodies" half hug, or no hug at all. Is it possible she just threw up her hands a long time ago and decided there was nothing about me to like? Does she only do things for me or bother with me to make Karl happy? You would think it was for Karl, except that after she left this weekend I got some bad news. Some news that concerns me greatly but that didn't have the nerve to say in front of me. Or discuss with Karl and I at the same time. Back when we were moving, they offered us a loan. A loan of money from her and Karl's Dad to help us out. We didn't ask for it. Like a couple of idiots though, we took it. We needed it! Well, right after Karl got his new job, like idiots again, we spent too much money on too much stupid shit. We made a huge mistake. In our defense, we realized it and are working toward recovering. Sadly, it's a lot easier to get into debt than it is to get out. As of now, we can afford our bills and a small bit of food and entertainment. My trip at the end of May to go the A-Kon has indeed been the subject of many financial conversations. Several times I've almost backed out and said screw it. We just can't afford it. But at this point, I've spent too much money in preperations to not go through with it. My plan is to get a job as soon as I get back. If I get one now, I'll be there about a month before I'm asking for three days off. Not good employee etiquette IMO. Considering that most jobs don't pay you for the first two weeks, I could end up fired and leaving with a paycheck for 30 bucks. That's now how I roll and it won't help me or our money problems if I get fired.. seeing as that usually fucks your chances of finding another job significantly.
Back to the bad news though. Despite our situation, which we fully admit to, and Karl's roller coaster ride at work which has filled us both with fear that he's going to get fired soon.. they want their money. Now. If this was a bank, I wouldn't be complaining. I'd be crying and selling a kidney. But these are Karl's parents. This is a loan that THEY offered us. And they know about Karl's job situation. Karl makes enough money per year that I shouldn't have to work. But Albuquerque makes it difficult to find a place to live if you have pets. Nobody wants pets. So we pretty much hand over his whole paycheck as rent.
While we live in a military based gated community, the area outside where jobs are found is also wrought with men who rape and murder women. Just ask the Taco Bell down the street. Not two feet from it, a girl had her skull bashed in with a brick and her dead body raped. We only have one car. As the bread winner, it's Karl's right to take said car to work seeing as I will not allow him to ride his motorcycle in this city. It's a deathwish. Now I have to get a job because without one, not only can we not even begin to pay his parents back, but we can't afford to pay our car insurance either. I don't know how you'd feel, but I'm just about on the verge of a nervous breakdown here. I'm scared shitless to walk to a job here. I've got a bicycle but like that's really going to stop Buffalo Bill from abducting me and making a female skin suit out of me. I'm the size of a nine year old for crying out loud. The bus? Sure, if I want to get to work two hours early and then wait another two when I get off. And that's if I can catch a bus that even runs in the area. In Socorro, I could have walked all over the damn place.. unfortunately, there was nowhere to work. No one was ever hiring for anything other than being a waitress. I went to restaurants there frequently and I rarely saw the same waitresses.. meaning SOMETHING about the job wasn't working out. Management perhaps?
You might see these as excuses. I might too. I'm not trying to get out of getting a job. I have deeper issues with the whole thing than anyone can imagine. I've tried to deny it but it's proven it's self time and time again. I have a horrible almost debilitating case of social phobia. It's not easy or even a little bit hard for me to walk into places and ask if they're hiring. No, it's almost impossible. I get mild panic attacks and become physically ill. It's a real phobia with real anxiety. It causes real symptoms and real depression. And it REALLY sucks.
But try to explain this to people like Karl's parents who think "Get off your ass! Do what you gotta do!" And if all I had was a case of the lazies, I'd agree. But this just isn't that simple. There's even a special type of therapy for people with this phobia called "exposure therapy". I've had some great jobs in the past, but I got them all by pep talking myself for months and working myself up to the point that I would actually apply. And then, I never last long. As I said, social phobia causes symptoms and anxiety that prevent you from functioning like normal go getter people. I found clever reasons to quit all of my jobs after a couple of months because if I didn't, I could feel that something bad was going to happen.
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Well, it's pretty obvious I needed to vent. I've got to somehow sack the hell up and go through with the A-kon trip which, while it sounds fun, makes me feel like puking when I think about it, and then try to find a job near my house and hope I don't get murdered going to and from it. I've got a really hopeless feeling in the pit of my stomach over it all. I'm sure my MIL thinks I'm some sort of lazy gold digger who just uses Karl as a host for my parasitic money sucking endeavors. Money is definitely a big issue here, but not in the way it must seem to her. I want to be normal. I want charisma. I want a good job. I want to be responsible and independent. But my social bullshit has gotten so bad I can only even stand to be in a grocery store for a few minutes. I do well at hiding it but I can't tell you how difficult it is sometimes. Hey friends! Ever wonder why we're friends but you never see me? Or why when you invite me places I find really good reasons why we just can't get together? Why when you do see me it's usually something we planned pretty far in advance? (no less than a week). That's because I have to council myself into going anywhere.
It's not that I'm anti-social. It's not that I'm spoiled. It's that I was treated like shit in school and raised by an Agoraphobic who never left the house. I was nurtured into a Social Phobic. Life is not fun right now.
