My mother told me I am a really sensitive person. It's very true. And it runs deeper than just having fragile feelings or a tender heart. She's a sensitive person too and I like to think it's one of the great gifts I inherited from her. For as much pain as it often comes with, always feeling so heavy hearted for others while still facing my own personal sorrow, I'm glad for it.

I would have never guessed my early twenties would be as emotional as my early teens. I thought life was supposed to get easier when you grew up. We never know how good we have it as kids until the day we blink and there are bills to pay and mouths to feed. I admit this loose and slipping grip I have on my emotions makes accepting the transition to an adult really difficult sometimes. Among a million other hurdles.

How many times have I felt like I was at a crossroads? Too many to count, and here I stand at another. Amidst all of my faults and shortcomings. My doubts and weaknesses I am realizing it is time to let go of the child in me and become the best adult I can be.

I am here, at this age, in a year on this planet when things are not good. Maybe every generation feels that way. This could be a very natural thing I'm feeling. I like to think it is because it breaks my heart to think I'm here and the world is worse for the wear than it's ever been.

I owe this important time in my life where I want to change so much and make up for all of my selfishness to Michael Jackson. I'm not sure anyone outside of "true fan" status can understand why or how I came to feel this way. I see more than just a celebrity. I hear more than just some songs. And I see a message written in and between the lines when I read and sing his lyrics. We all find our reason somewhere. This is where I found mine.

How do I change? What do I have the ability to change? I don't want to make unrealistic goals for myself. I want to start small, and build from there.

 -I am a jealous person. I have been rude to and about people that did not deserve it due to my envy. This is a self destructive behavior and I don't want it anymore. I want to respect people more, even when not in their presence. So I can then begin to respect myself more.

 -I am a waster. I waste water, electricity, food, time, and objects that could be of use if I only saved them instead of throwing them away. At the same time I waste precious things, I have criticized and scolded others for doing so. The change starts with me, and carries on from the examples I set. I want to let go of the spoiled child within me that prefers a long and full bath over a short lukewarm shower. The careless person that requires too much heat in the winter, and too much cool air in the summer. The thoughtless person who gets picky about food then barely touches it and throws the rest in the trash. And most importantly, the person who sits on her ass being depressed when there is a life to live and people to love.

 -I am a hoarder and materialistic. I didn't want to admit this. I loved to boost my ego by thinking I was low maintenance and did not want more than I needed. But I must admit the truth so that I can truly change this about myself. Scattered around me are many things I don't need. Part of the change I want to make is minimizing the things I own. I don't want possessions to cloud my ability to appreciate the simple things in life. These useless items I own have not given me any lasting amount of happiness or fulfillment. The happiness I do have that never goes away can only be traced back to people. To me that says a lot about how important investment in the lives of other human beings truly is.

 -I regret and miss opportunities to show how much I care. Helping my family and the occasional homeless person on the street corner or the store parking lot is not enough. It's not enough for the people who need help and it's not enough for me. I come across opportunities to do more fairly often but I just "think" about it instead of taking action. Food drives. I can't even count how many times I've been IN a grocery story and walked past the canned food drive deposit box thinking "Hmmm.. maybe next time I come in." Such a small gesture, and yet I grew up poor and eating food during Thanksgiving and Christmas that was brought to our front door by people who were willing to put food in those boxes. These drives were often where my Christmas presents came from as well. It is my duty as a child who was saved the heart break of a Christmas with little to nothing by those people, to give back to that. Because it took so much strength and the swallowing of my mother's pride to seek that help so she could give her children a good holiday. Now it's my turn. It's time to stop conveniently forgetting or walking past the less fortunate in the corner of my eye. 


I am sure I will find a million more ways to change that can benefit more than myself as time goes on, but the list above is of the things I can change now. Those are obtainable goals within my reach and while I am alive, I have to try.

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Now that I've written out those things, mostly for my own peace of mind and to re-read later and whenever I may need to, there's a few other things to mention that have gone on lately.


My computer crashed a few weeks ago. With some luck and Karl, we managed to get it fixed and then got my site here working again right about the same time. I really would like to get my art programs back soon though. Having all been pirated before, I had to just lose them when my HD got replaced. I need PS again unless I want to try to teach myself Corel that came with my tablet but every time I messed with it in the past it didn't seem much better than MS Paint. In the meantime, I've been doing some actual pencil sketching which I haven't done in ages. 

It was Karl's birthday yesterday (26 years old. He was 21 when we met.) I think he had a pretty good day even though his night was spent taking me to see "This Is It", the new MJ movie. I was supposed to have an art piece done for him. A chibi version of his Night Elf Druid and his two arena partners from his 3v3 team, but the computer crash was unexpected and pretty much ruined that. It will get done eventually though. 

In our spare time together we've been playing Champions Online and actually getting some console play in on Brutal Legend. It's great playing an MMO with him, but I really enjoy being his second pair of eyes on a console game. Not to toot my own horn or anything but I'm usually the one who ends up figuring out the boss fight strategies.. hehe. BL is a really neat game so far, especially if you're familiar with late eighties to nineties rock/metal and get all of the jokes and tributes. 

Falling asleep at the keyboard now. I'm going to try and update chere now that the site is fixed. I expect to have more info on whether or not I will be making any new Sims music videos using TS3 in the neat future, perhaps by the next time I post.


Peace and L.O.V.E.