I've been in a "fight" with my older sister for so long now it's hard to even remember why or how it got to this point. It's plain to see should anyone bother to look that she's got some serious issues, and I told her, and that was that. I grew up being told on a daily basis how fucked up I was... what the hell made her so special that she couldn't take it?


What's hurting me right now is not so much my lack of any sort of relationship with Ellari, it's what she's caused between her kids and I. I'm not sure I can say with certainty that they "hate" me, but there's definitely an absence of any feeling or care. When they see me I sense a vibe of indifference. Like I may as well be a stranger. On their myspace profiles (which I don't take too seriously but they do) they have their friend lists quite carefully put together... and I'm not in the "main" group on any of the three. They have people listed who could care less about them but no aunt Konni. In their picture albums titled "family", I see a crap ton of people they aren't even related to or that they never really knew... but again.. no aunt Konni. When Ellari and Justin were too busy being shitty parents who was watching, not one, not two, but often times all of three of those kiddos? ME. Changing diapers, feeding, entertaining, bullying (yes, but only because I was still a little kid myself). I spent countless hours with those kids. I was a constant in their life from the days they were born to the day Justin took them to Texas and I had no way to get a hold of them. I can't tell if Justin changed them or if too much Ellari in their ears constantly has widened the chasm between us. I hope one of these days when they mature a bit more and start thinking for themselves they will realize why I've had to distance myself from the family and how much I've always loved them. 


I have this burdening feeling of unfairness in my heart over this whole situation. I was a screwed up kid.. but I straightened up. I'm "the good one" so to speak now. So why the hell am I the one who feels alienated from my family? Why do I feel like my Mom and Calli are the only two people who give a shit about me in my family? Why does Ellari get away with behaving so violently and insanely while being a drug addict and it's kewl?


Being the daydreamer I am, I often wonder what will happen when everyone finally gets fed up with Ellari and can't ignore it anymore. When Rachel does to Ellari what I did to Rachel. Realizes the violence and abuse just aren't worth it and finds someone who makes her a better person. When my grandparents are either gone or just too old to be mooched off any longer. When her kids are grown and trying to live their own lives. The last time Ellari and I even spoke at length we were fighting through emails and she couldn't help repeating the phrase "You're just like your Dad!" This really made me sit back and think hard.. because I don't even know my Dad on a personal level. All I know is what I've been told. The fact is, I am not a damned thing like him. Ironically... Ellari is quite like him. And it makes sense even though she's not his birth daughter, she was raised by him for a hell of a lot longer than I was. If anyone can be blamed for my bad behavior growing up, it's Ellari herself, her ex-husband, and probably my Mom somewhat too.


This whole situation is one I strive not to even think about. There's no solution to it. I don't think I will ever be even a smidgen close to Ellari ever again and there's no chance of a decent relationship with her kids until they start having a mind of their own. I guess this is a sorrow I'm going to have with me for quite some time.


On a lighter hearted note, I worked all night on my Christmas art project. Karl is going to get it put on some cards (hope it actually works out like it's supposed to) and we'll be sending them out to people for X-Mas. I'm really proud of it even though I used a guide because I can't draw Chibi THAT chibi-ee well from my own mind. All details hand painted. God only knows how many hours of work. I stopped counting. Of course it looks much better larger but alas the blog will not allow it and I'm not adding it to my art gallery until AFTER I've pretty much solidified my ownership of it on the cards.