Take one step forward and ten steps back. Seldom happy and always sad and crying. And just when I think I'm right I'm the one in the most wrong. What a pitiful way to exist? I'm such a fucked up mess. My ego likes to lie and tell me I'm different. Special even. Now of course I know that's bullshit (I'm just another human with severe depression or "something" like that.) It's 7 am, I can't sleep...  like I ever can. I've been up all night. Played WoW for a little while, worked on a comic strip just some practice and it's probably the most emo shit I've ever done. I guess that's what happens when you just let the hand of an unhappy person paint. I get in funks every now and then where my depression just hits what feels to me like a rock bottom which is what I seem to be in now. I usually hit it and then start to feel better. The problem is the pits are getting deeper. It's getting more and more painful before each bottom. What does that mean? If this keeps going? I won't lie, it's times like this... and I really hate to say this (because it feels childish and weak)... that I want to die. I just want the courage to grab a knife and slit my throat. Now I feel sick just writing that. The only thing I truly hate in my existence is this feeling. This lump in my throat and "thing" inside me that sometimes feels like more bad than I can handle, and other times like complete emptiness. I bully myself. Sometimes it's a fear of being ugly, sometimes fat, sometimes stupid, sometimes talentless. It's like I gang up on myself. Some part of me just has to rip me down as low as it can. Since my Mom and sister left here from visiting over the holidays I've felt something different fucking with me. Depression of course is there but there's been this added awareness of my loneliness. I know I spend way too much time in this house alone. To some people it might not be a big house but to me it is big. Big and empty. And the white walls and white floors just make it that much more bleak. I've felt sick every time Karl makes sexual advances toward me... and I know it has nothing to do with him. Love is not in question. It's hard to have a libido worth a shit when you feel like just that... shit. I was an ass and of course fought with my Mom and sister while they were here but once they were gone I sort of felt abandoned or something. It's hard to explain. I loved having people I actually give a shit about filling my house with life and sound. Using my bathroom and taking over my computer. Barging in my room. You never realize how little things like that can keep your mind busy with simple stuff until you really experience the solitude I have here. You could probably "almost" compare it to being stranded on a deserted island. Like Robinson Crusoe. And Karl is my Friday. Pally and Andre, my Skipper. (Thanks for that movie suggestion, Mom. I should really read that book I bet it's great.) WoW (which I always end up going back to) tends to serve a different purpose for me than most it's players. I do like the game, but I crave the people. I constantly look for any opportunity to socially interact. I try to appear sort of standoffish (that tends to make people WANT to talk to you for some reason in WoW /shrug) but if someone gets me started I can't shut up. Does it help? I think it's helping with the overwhelming loneliness thing a bit. It helps the time Karl is at work pass by a little faster. Naturally, at this time I need human contact the most, Karl's been and will be working longer hours. For a few days I was trying not to bridge the gap between us caused by me being busy with my family while they were here. I felt the "alone" creeping up on me and I knew he'd be working and I just didn't want to feel close to him. Closeness to ANYONE make being alone harder, but with him... especially hard. That man is a saint for how patient he is with me and for even sticking around. I'm grateful that through all my screwed up depression I can still love this much. I feel winded with this now so I'm going to try and change the subject a bit.

It's ironic to me that after my previous post here about Ellari, I ended up having a pretty pleasant visit with her on Christmas eve. We showed up at my Grandma's with the plan being to just pick up my Mom and little sister and head home but we ended up staying for a while and watching the kids open some presents. My grandpa is always so happy to see me (he wasn't a very nice man when I was little) and he always tells me Jesus loves me and is proud of me. And so is he. It feels nice and means a lot to me. I went over to Ellari's and saw her new place. I got a tour and looked at some pictures and videos. And we've been pleasantly exchanging messages over Myspace for a week or two now. Don't ever mark my words on timelines or lengths, I never even know what day it is anymore. In the words of NIN, "Every day is exactly the same." Neither of us has really formally apologized for any of the stuff that happened... I guess it's just so run into the ground now there's no point. It doesn't even matter what went down. My memories of it are blurry at best to be honest now anyway. I'm still not tired but I don't feel like writing anymore. Oh, there's a yawn... maybe sleep is not too distant on the horizon as I thought. G'nite.