The typos in my last post were many and pretty bad but I don't really feel like fixing them. For my own satisfaction I hope I write better this time around.

It's been a pretty good last few days. Leveled like a fiend in Oblivion and we all sat around and watched Brice throw down in Fallout 3 today for hours on end. Like we were watching a movie. I admit the hype was a bit much and the game barely met my expectations, certainly not exceeding them.

As I lay in bed reading, I've been working on The Vampire Lestat, I was flooded by so many memories from my past. Completely unrelated to the book I was reading and it wasn't that Anne Rice wasn't capturing my full attention but sometimes, I just can't concentrate. I was thinking about a group of friends I used to run around with when I was in my early teens. They weren't a group I considered 'best' friends. Those described as 'best' weren't around at this time. A short time. I don't really know where they were. I think I was between my two exes at the time. Just after Kay and some time before Rachel. I had been pretty exclusively hanging out with Adam. I'd gone to school with him, kindergarten and on up but we were never really very close at school. We were both very unpopular and picked on. We had much more in common than we realized. He became my main weed smoking partner. We hung out and got high. It was through him that I met Randy and "the guys" who's names I don't even remember anymore. I'd known Jenny in school too but only at the time of Adam and Randy did I finally spend any quality time with her outside of school. I think I was in love with Adam. And Randy was in love with me. And Jenny was obsessed with the fact that I had been intimate with girls. She seemed to want that with me but I didn't feel anything like that for her. Not even when drunk. She was very sheltered and naive. Randy's house was the main hangout and so much scandal went on in that house. Randy's mom worked two jobs I think, one of which I'm certain was at McDonald's. She was rarely home. The entire house was empty from getting robbed so much (mostly Randy's stuff by Randy's male friends) but Randy's mom's bedroom was a treasure trove of cool stuff and sick stuff. Her computer was in there. We were always attempting to make music videos on her webcam, lip syncing to rap music which I hated but still somehow had fun listening to at that time. Also on her computer were hundreds of pictures of her naked but the sick thing is that she was positioned just so that it didn't take a genius to tell she hadn't taken the pictures herself. Her webcam didn't reach close enough to the bed while plugged in, and it had to be plugged in to use the self timer (which was a feature accessed on the computer, not the camera its self). She had a pretty small bed but it wasn't a twin and her autistic son (Randy's half brother) Richard slept in her bed with her and was always in the bedroom alone with her when she was actually home. You do the math. She was really a vile woman now that I look back. I think I asked Randy blatantly more than once if she was fucking Richard. I don't remember if he said yes, or maybe I've just blocked it out of my mind out of sheer horror and shock. But nothing truly shocks me so who knows. Randy was really a very sweet kid. He always took good care of me when I got drunk with all the guys. I did something sexual with Adam once at my house while drunk. He was the only male my mother would even allow in my room with the door shut. That's how close he and I were in our seemingly platonic ways. There was unspoken passion we felt for each other but I think we both knew there was an even deeper appreciation for the friendship we had. Or maybe he was just a typical male and only wanted weed and sex and I was the one with the intellect. All I know is that after the night we did stuff (not actual penetration sex) I cried to him and he left my house early that morning around 4 am or so. We only bumped into each other occasionally after that. I was deeply hurt and it's a lost friendship I may never stop wishing I had longer. I never gave in to Randy's gentlemanly advances and sadly I think the only reason was because he was kind of fat. It isn't me to be shallow like that but at that age I think we all obsess with vanity and reputation. Eventually he just drifted away from me. He later lived in the same apartment complex as I and he showed up one day to use my phone to order a pizza. He showed me some pictures of him hang gliding at an aunt and uncle's place in some other state and then again he was gone. Jenny had bad things happening in her own house as well. Her step dad was a mute and her mom was a pill popping shut in. Her mother never seemed to want Jenny to go anywhere and I remember standing in her dark bedroom as she lay swathed in a robe and blankets telling her lies about the "parental supervision" we would have where Jenny would be going with me. The house was spotless on account of the massive amount of chores Jenny did. And every now and again I would see Jenny's little sister. I never knew her name and her nick name was "Mouse". She was sort of a mute herself on account of the step father I think. Mostly a learned behavior on her part. You could see the effect all of this had on Jenny by how she would act when she went out to hang with me and the gang. She was loud and hyper and tried so hard to be cool that she ended up causing everyone to get annoyed with her and find ways to kick her out. I bleated with the rest of the sheep but I never disliked Jenny. In fact I felt really motherly towards her. She was really lonely I think and alienated. And I hope she isn't anymore. I hope she is happy but it isn't likely. It isn't likely for kids who grow up the way she and I did to ever be happy. That I escaped the fate that has befallen nearly all of my childhood friends is a miracle.

I can't help but dwell on things in my past sometimes. I don't mean to sound vain at all but to think of the people who's lives I could have had a really positive effect on and that I wasted the opportunity. It makes my gut sour. That I could have stayed friends with Adam, shown Randy that respecting a girl goes a long way, and taught Jenny how to just be herself and stop trying to prove herself to everyone. And perhaps even shared a kiss with her that she seemed to be so curious about. It makes me wish even more that I hadn't given up on Lace, my friend who overdosed and passed away. I stopped doing drugs altogether with my own will. Could I have influenced her at all? I keep awaiting the news that her twin sister Jade has died from the same thing. And here I sit so far away from her and feeling guilty that I don't try to stop her. She wouldn't listen to me anyway.

I look for all of them on the internet often. On myspace and facebook and I even google their names. There is nothing to find. People who need every cent they have for meth don't visit cyberspace often I guess. I miss them all but I don't. It's hard to explain.

Everyone loses most of their childhood friends and move on to make more. But in a selfish way I suppose I've given up. I had my friends. I lost my friends. I'm somewhat scarred from it now and I don't want to endure the loss again. I let my guard down for a while when I met Melissa, Joe, and Craig in Socorro. And perhaps it was that they were all so different that is why I don't have them anymore. Joe couldn't just be my friend for some reason and when I rejected him, even so nicely, the friendship met it's end. And Melissa was a free spirit. One minute I was stuck to her like glue and she to me and then where was she? And I never heard from her again and as fate would have it, I lost the only phone number I had to reach her at. Craig was an older man. 36 going on 37. I think I was always more his pupil than his friend. He was teaching me guitar but I learned much more from him than that. I doubt he even realized. I had planned to go to a hippy community with him for an entire summer to live off the land and trip on shrooms and play the guitar, "pickin" as he called it, and then Craig was gone too. There is something romantic in a young girl befriending an older man, even when the feelings are purely platonic. Aside from Karl's friends, whom I do value of course, I don't really have any friends of my own. I have friends I keep in touch with online but none to romp with through life. I think I try with Nida but I don't feel I can possibly tell her anything she doesn't already know. That is to say I don't think I appeal to her in a way that many others haven't already. Perhaps I'm just sensitive and afraid of losing another friend for good, as seems to be the case anytime I get too close. And the other thing that hinders me is the horror stories I hear from others of the friend who ends up becoming a parasite. The one who comes over and never leaves. Or rings the phone off the hook. I refuse to ever be such a leech and in endeavoring so hard to never be this, I alienate myself. I rarely email friends. I almost never call friends. I never want to annoy. I value my space and my solitude and would never want to come between another and theirs. Here I am growing up and yet these social hindrances cause me to recoil into the part of me that is still mostly a child. I feel very unwise. Wise people have all the friends.


Really looking forward to Halloween and tomorrow I'm going to venture out in search of spirit gum. I had some but now all I can find is the remover. I don't think elmer's or tape will hold my elf ears on very well so spirit gum it has to be. Hopefully.

Save
Save and Continue
[Save and Quit] 

I've been feeling the urge to write here for a while but I haven't had my own computer available to do so (still don't). Think Karl's computer will have to do since the problem doesn't appear to have a resolution anytime soon. I have so much to reflect on.

The new place: We finally get here and believe me, I was really excited in the beginning. It's bigger than where we lived before and it's much more energy efficient. Karl and I used to joke that our last place was held together with staples. That's how easily your air conditioned air seeped out and more unfortunately, your heat in the winter. Things are just too weird for me here though. I feel cut off from life. One entrance guarded by heat packing MP officers and a 15 foot razor wired re-inforced fence surrounding you will do that I guess. It's a nightmare to have guests come over. I could swear there was paranormal activity happening around me here as well of an ET type but Karl and my Mom both just think I'm stressed and inducing hallucinations or something. I have also come to the realization that a fear I had when I was younger of planes crashing into my house or dropping bombs on me (too much TV I'm guessing) is rearing it's ugly head once again. I live an arm's reach from an air force base and am forced to endure the painfully loud noises and vibrations from military jets, planes, and helicopters on an hourly basis now. I feel like a nervous animal. If I had fur, it would be standing on end constantly.

Something to get my mind off things: We aquired a very "sweet" piece of technology. We were told "It would be a crime not to use those gigantic pure white walls for a projector" and we certainly didn't want to be offenders of this law. Yikes, what a lame remark... but it doesn't matter, because this projector is so awesomely awesome that Brice has pretty much parked his X-box and rock band equipment here. Every weekend (occasionally week day) "Pump Action Jorge" (jorge = whore-hey) gets together and rocks the fuck out of this joint. None of us are really tied to one particular instrument but this is the primary line-up USUALLY... [Karl->Del Fuego->Lead Guitar/Drums/Bass] [Brice->London Brown->Lead Vocals/Drums/Lead Guitar/Bass] [Cameron->X Saint Roland->Drums/Lead Guitar/Lead Vocals] [Konni->Kikyo->Bass/Lead Vocals] Our characters on the game look absolutely ridiculous but so fucking kewl. Cameron's dude has a steam punk/post apocolyptic mad max kind of theme going. Karl's dude "Del Fuego" is this red headed spaniard dressed in white PVC from head to toe (complete with a white cape) and a black zoro mask. Brice's dude has a matrix theme going. And my chick is probably the most normal looking of the four. She's a pretty average looking goth chick wearing lots of pink but she has a mace! Not the mace guitar but an actual mace attached to her skirt-thing. I just can't even begin to tell you what joy it brings me to rock out on that game with these guys but I think that fact that I took the time to describe the characters should say enough. Aside from Rock Band there has been mucho Oblivion, Silent Hill Homecoming, Dead Space, and Castle Crashers. We're all really looking forward to Fallout 3. We've already planned to bunk up here and play non-stop until somebody passes out from sheer exhaustion. Wrath of the Lich King will be out in early November as well (I'm already warming up to the new content from the new patch on my rogue "Samelli") and then Sims 3 in February. A lot of good gameage to look forward to and it's all just what I needed to help me chill the fuck out about the crazy shit that happens outside in the immediate area of where I live.

Other random things and a rant: Karl, Cameron, Brice, and I all went to Primitive Fear (haunted house) to kick off October and it was pretty damn good. A week later we hit up 13th Street Manor and Sarah accompied us this time. It was even better than PF and we had a blast just getting freaked the hell out and I screamed so much my wind pipe was on fire. It was good times.

ACME (the place Karl works for) had an end of the summer "Dinner" party for all the employees and some guests so we scurried off to that last weekend. I thought I had polished table/dinner etiquette but these boys play hard ball and I realized that in the world of a class higher than I would ever consider venturing into, I don't know shit. It was a really fancy party (like I've only ever seen in movies). My blunders, well let me explain them. When we walked in I went straight for the wine. Turns out (even though only one server bothered to ask me) everyone thought Karl was robbing the cradle and I was kid there sampling the alcohol and being a deliquent. When the first of five courses arrived at our table, I was completely unprepared and the server "tsked" as she placed my napkin in my lap for me. God forbid. First course was double shrimp scampi and I jerked em up with my hands and ate em in two bites. Everyone else was taking their sweet ass time and cutting the shrimp with their knives using some special fork. Next course was salad with goat cheese. I picked up all the cheese with my fingers and shoveled it in my mouth. Nevermind the salad fork or taking my time. Another course of some type of frozen yogurt came and then the main course, filet minon. It was so raw I imagined as I ate it that it was a fresh kill from a hunting expedition and it was only warm from being shoved in a meat satchel. Honestly, the things rich people eat and drink are repulsive. The raw bloody meat, the things they consider an edible vegetable, and the red wine that tastes like ass juice from a rotten corpse with add alcohol. It was all too much for me. The desert was great but I had no idea what the hell it was. I tasted sugar. That was enough for me. I just know I made a fool of myself. I tried but my manners were way off. I observed enough sideways glances to know the way I was eating and drinking was less than satisfactory to most of the people there. I bet every one of those snobs votes McCain Palin. They deserve their bloody meat and ass juice. On the plus side, Karl made a sweet little speech, got a nice applause, and went home with a 22 inch HD computer moniter/TV. Flat panel even. I should probably be more humble toward this crowd of people. They may be flying Karl to Japan early next year, and that inevitably means myself as well. These corpse-butt sucking republicans could make my dreams come true. Who'da thunk it?

Now I propose an experiment. Knock a couple of your teeth out, don't shower for a year, shoot up enough heroin to get some infected track marks in your arms, and approach a wholesome family and try to sell them crack and offer your scabbed up genitals for some 5$ oral. Now guage their reaction. Compare this reaction to the one you would receive by brining up the fact that you play World of Warcraft in a conversation with seemingly down to earth fellow gamer geeks. The similarity is so puzzling. Why? Because they are nearly identicle. You wanna know what REALLY chaps my ass about it though? The same people who condemn Karl and I for playing WoW are basing their judgment of the game off heresay. They've never even played it. :O

....Just soak that in for a second. Eric and Brice both have actually gotten steaming angry at Karl for inviting them to play some couch commando WoW. Just friends leveling as noobs for fun. It's fucking ridiculous the bullshit that spews from their mouths about WoW. Somewhere, someone said WoW sucked and they told their friends, and they told their friend, and they told friends.. and so on. Now you have this widespread WoW bashing society and not a single member even knows if half of what they're saying is true. And when we correct Eric and Brice they just say "Well still.. fuck that game." Don't get me wrong, I love these guys.. but son of a bitch. If you choose not to experience something in your life that's fine but if you've NEVER tried it, don't try to defend your reason for not trying it with lies. Just say "I don't wanna. And I don't know why." I even catch myself doing it with movies sometimes. "Want to go see such and such?" -> "No, it's shitty."... Nooooo.. what I meant was "Someone said it was shitty and I'm just being a sheep. Baaahhhh." And I try to take a step back when I do that. Try to remember how many times someone told me something would suck and I ended up loving it, or someone said something was good and I hated it. Eric is deathly afraid of all MMOs now because of his EQ troubles but he still tries to bash WoW with bullshit. It's just mouth diarhea. Brice is convinced that all the people in WoW are retarded little 12 year old boys. Well I have to say, I've encountered more immaturity online on the x-box in just a few weeks than in all my years of playing WoW. Not to mention, if you don't want to deal with it on WoW the times you might encounter it, it's much easier to get away from it. I just wish people weren't such WoW hate mongers. WoW is a huge part of Karl and I. They get to talk about the games they play but it seems we now have to take a vow of secrecy, lest we be treated like we're some street corner drug dealers trying to force dirty diseased sex and drugs on people.

I'm probably leaving some important information out but I'm getting too tired to think straight now and I need to squeeze some cartoons in before bed. Write atcha later.

Edit: Forgive any typos. Will fix em later if their bad enough.

Maybe something is trying to get through to me but I think this is probably the third or fourth day in a row I've come across the phrase "you CAN be happy". It's such a simple quote, but it rings deep.

I've faced so many inner trials growing up. I'm not kidding, I had a rough life. A rough child hood. A rough adolescence. When I think back to all the times I threw up my hands and said to hell with life, there's nothing for me, I shake my head and laugh a bit. A kid should never lose all of their hope and I did. Multiple times in fact!

Unfortunately I still let the past bother me at times and I let current situations and difficulties drag me down. I'm fed up though. I CAN be happy damnit! And I want to be. I want to be bigger than the things I let get my spirits low. Evidence proves that every time I have a problem I either find a solution, or I have to accept that time is the only way to fix it. I get through it. So with that in mind, why do I still get so upset over things? LITTLE things?

I feel like it's time for a change. Or maybe I was changing all along and I've finally hit a noticeable check point. If I really think about it my path to self discovery has been pretty enjoyable. In my last relationship before my Husband (woot! love sayin that!) I got into it so young and stayed so long I lost myself. Four years is a long time for a kiddo to be in a romantic relationship. I really lost touch with who I was during that time. I liked everything my partner liked. But I didn't really like it at all. I was swayed by everything that was someone else. It's four years of my life where I feel like I wasn't even playing the field. I was benched. I had a lot of catching up to do when that relationship ended. Some wounds are still healing and some may not ever. But I CAN be happy. And I will. No half assing it this time. And maybe when I am finally as happy as can be, I can start making the people I love happier too.

Now I'm gonna do the happy dance...
<(.  .<) ^( .  . )^ <( .  . )> (>.  .)>

When I was 17, I was up late one night messing around on the internet. The TV was a few feet away, as was my Mom who was sleeping on the couch. The volume was low, but I could still hear the show on the national geographic channel. I could hear yes but I wasn't actually listening, that was until I heard very unsettling things being said. The show was all about the end of the world possibly taking place in December of 2012. I immediately stopped what I was doing at the computer, spun my chair to face the TV, and became more and more horrified by the second. This trivial little event in my life sparked the beginning of years of fear to come. I remember distinctly how I counted up from the current year to 2012.. I'd be about 25 when this show claimed the world "could" end. Asteroids, Nuclear Holocaust, Alien Invasion.. there are many prophecies as to what might occur in this year. But the year specifically is the one thing each prophecy still has in common.

It's not dying that scares me. I'm aware I am mortal and like every creature I know of, I will die someday. Maybe even tomorrow. What scares me is death in mass. Some movies that scare me the most are the ones where death takes place in mass, notably the movies I was shown in grade school about the Holocaust and the gas chambers the Jewish were packed into. They watched each other die. I know some are of the belief this event didn't even take place but it's difficult to dispute it when people who were there are still alive to tell their horrific tales today.

Just as the end of the world in this year is prophesied,  so to is a great change. I've yet to find anything saying both happen together though, it's usually a question of one or the other happening. Well you can bet your ass I jumped right on the prophecy of great change as opposed to a doomsday prediction. I read a lot about the "Noosphere" (noah-sphere). The literature was complicated for me to grasp, but I came away with a simple way to describe it. 2012: The Year Earth Becomes Self Aware. Not that our planet isn't already showing signs of being more just an object with an ecosystem but this would be the year it completes growth of it's own fully functional mind. Not unlike that of a human's.

It's hard to believe any one particular prediction. They are all massive on any scale and they all scare me to bits. If there IS a hell, would I go there? What if we become nothing when we die? How does a fragile human answer these questions? I decided to try meditation.

I was nude. Not for the meditation but because I had been sleeping that way and gotten up in the middle of the night. I actually felt like it might help, or maybe I was just too lazy to stumble through the darkness and find some clothes. So I sat down and got comfortable. I didn't go for the cliche meditation position but instead shifted around until I barely knew I was actually sitting. I closed my eyes, took a few deep breaths, and let a random scenic image pop into my mind. I was walking in a jungle and funny enough I was naked there as well. I could hear nature and what sounded like the ocean off in the distance. Perhaps a beach I couldn't see through the thicket of vines, wild flowers, and tons of trees. Because the environment was random (not one I made any effort to conjure up) I took careful note of the colors around me. I thought they might be significant in some way. There was lots of green mostly in dark and bright shades. I only looked straight ahead of me for some reason but I saw deep reds in my peripherals. I walked along and took deep breaths. I smoked for a very long time and don't take the most fulfilling breaths of air anymore but during this meditation my breathing was deeper than ever and felt so refreshing. In the jungle I asked my questions. They weren't clear but more like jumbled up half sentences with a confusing flurry of subject change. There in my meditation, I didn't have to ask one question at a time. They seemed to all roll out almost at once. I heard nothing answer me but I felt something. A calm and soothing feeling washed over me. Sort of like a hug from my Mom. I was content just to ask my questions and I didn't require answers anymore. I didn't feel alone though. Perhaps it was another part of me that was there or maybe something else. When I felt at peace I opened my eyes. As I opened them I saw an image only long enough to just make out what it was. It looked to me like the head of a feline. Not small like a domestic cat, or large like a tiger, but more like the slender more sleek facial structure a cougar or a panther has. Does it have meaning? Was it just my imagination? I was in complete darkness during this meditation and I've certainly never made a conscious effort in the past to think of large cats or seen them on the back of my eyelids. It was just the outline. A very cool blue outline of the feline features on a black background.

I am a Pisces and it just so happens to be the Age of Pisces. I feel something inside setting me apart from other people. Not making me better or worse but just different. I've felt it since I was a very young child. All at once I feel stronger than most and weaker than most. Deeper than most and denser than most. Two complete opposites in one body struggling to find harmony. For a person who tries to see life in shades of gray not shades of black or white I often wonder why inside I can't get the black and white near enough to mix. When I hate something I hate it passionately and when I love something I love it so much it makes me cry (even something as trivial as a video game cutscene).

Back to the main reason for this song in my sphere. If the world ends or changes for the worse in 2012, what will happen to me? What will happen to you? Have you ever wondered? Well maybe you should. Maybe we all should.

If I wake up alive on January the 1st, 2013 I expect I will go outside and kiss the ground. Maybe even slip a little tongue in there.

 

Edit- I almost forgot to add that Karl is here for the weekend. I missed him so damn much. Going to snuggle him right now!

Sphere shut down in 10.. 9.. 8.. 7.. 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1

I've had a lot of time on my hands recently to delve deeply (that is deeper than I usually would) into the massive amount of information the internet has to offer. I researched mostly the studies that have been done over the past few decades to support homosexuality as a biological (possibly even genetic) disposition. I'm not going to quote what I read, or the videos I watched, but instead just lay out my own views based on the stuff I found out.

Note - There is a difference between genes and human biology. To say something is genetic is to say it was inherited from the parents or other family during conception in the womb. A biological trait obtained during conception is one the fetus creates it's self. It's the very reason we don't look exactly like mom, or exactly like dad or have a personality like any other human. It's also very complex and one of the those great mysteries of life. The process that occurs causing no two humans to be the same (even identical twins are only identical to certain extents).

1. There is SIGNIFICANT proof of homosexuality in males AND females being biological. I'm sure most of you have heard or read about the area in the brain that is one way in males, and a completely different way in females. In gay males, this area is identical to straight females. In lesbian females, this area is very close to that of straight males, but not as identical. If you take these facts into consideration, then the statistic that in a large population of people , 4-5 percent are gay males and 2-4 percent are lesbian females, it starts to make sense. There is a period of weeks in a fetus's life where it's gender is determined. Testosterone is present in all these cases... in high amounts in male fetuses, and low amounts in female fetuses. There is scientific proof that regardless of whether the fetus is male, or female, the amount of testosterone present will play a part in the determination of sexual orientation. Take a male fetus for example with a low presence of testosterone (like a female fetus would typically have) and your result is almost always going to be a gay male. Add just a tad more testosterone, but not necessarily as much as a straight male would have and your result is a bisexual male, or at least.. a more effeminate male with characteristics similar to those of a female (though he is purely attracted to females, he shares neurological and physical traits of the female gender). I didn't pull this out of my ass people, it's fact. And the studies are only getting better, and more precise as the years pass.

2. Now why the fuck isn't this information being distributed to the population to help people understand homosexuality better and have better acceptance? Well my friends, it's because of a little thing called religion and the book known as the bible.. (jumble those letters up and take out the b's and what word do you have? LIE.) To show this proof of homosexuality being a biological human trait (just like brown eyes or pale skin) would be to deny God in the eyes of MOST people on this planet. This isn't limited to the most common religions or their "books of code" as it were either. Of the millions of cultures on this planet, I challenge you to find even 10 that don't think people of the same gender should not sleep together or be in love. In my mind, I first think of the bible though because it's the only religious book I've ever had anyone try to cram down my throat. It's the only book I have ever seen turn an open minded person into such a fucking religious nut case that every bad or good thing they experienced in life was either credited to "GOD and JESUS" or blamed on "GOD and JESUS". A great example of a flaw in the bible that I actually discovered on my own is the areas talking about the anti-christ and the second coming of Jesus. While it first states that these two people will come to earth at some point, it also warns you never to believe anyone who says they are one of these things. It ALSO says these people will reveal themselves vocally (it mentions other ways as well). Of course you are going to tell people never to believe anyone who says they are Jesus.. because even then it was known how people would get so fanatical about the bible they would have visions of grandeur until they went crazy and thought they themselves were Jesus. I have a better understanding of this flaw in my mind that is hard to explain but it has to do with psychology mostly.To say  "Jesus WILL come" calms the fanatics (to say the antichrist will come scares the fuck out of them so they follow willingly and don't argue).. but "don't believe anyone who says they are Jesus" buys the bible plenty of time, possibly as long as humans exist to lay down the rules for all the sheep who will believe it. As far as spirituality goes, the wisest and what seems like the most probable way to be "religious" if you want to use that word is to understand WHO you are as a person, and as a soul in a temporary body. Forget all material items. Forget TV, forget rules, forget the goverment, forget organized religion. Just feel you... not on the outside, but on the inside.. and sit in the outdoors and feel the souls around you. The ones in other humans, in animals, and even those in the creatures so small you can't see them. Feel the soul in the land around you, the planet turning under you, and the universe surrounding you. Understand and be open to the possibility that there are souls amongst you taking a form on a different dimension your five senses cannot even perceive. And there, you have MY idea of a good religion. No words, no rules, no judgement... just feeling from deep inside.. not from your sense of touch or your ability to read a book or be easily mislead by authority figures (the pope OR the president).

3. So let's say this science of nature was brought to light. I see two outcomes in my mind, neither of which is good. Because I believe the human body and the way it works is just a vessel.. I don't believe it should be tampered with unless it is obstructing a soul's happiness. In other words, if you're deformed and people are making fun of you.. then by all means, tamper away until you feel good about your vessel. After all, our soul may be massive but it is confined to a human body with a human brain while we are here (unless we are a soul NOT in a human), and our low capacity minds (minds too small to reveal the full potential of our souls) cause the deep seeded need to be accepted on the outside. So, that makes the first possible result of the wide distribution of this scientic evidence, a very bad one. In the world of medicine, theoretically, if you knew what CAUSED homosexulity, you could then find a CURE right? Every fanatically religious person in the world would jump on this. The very people who preach "accept who you are, god made you" would contradict their beliefs. They would still hate homosexuality so much that they would be willing to inject fetuses with drugs to hinder the development (or stop the development) of a homosexual human being. And this would snowball into a huge crisis. Women who could not afford these drugs would simply abort, which is also going against their "God". The chaos that would ensue from trying to stop or cure homosexuality would be another haulocost. Hitler wanted only blonds with blue eyes. The religiously dominated society we live in would mold into one big hitler.. and gay people would be slaughtered on sight. If you were caught aiding the homos.. you'd be destroyed too. It could be no other way to these people. For humanity's sake, I hope THIS would not be the outcome. My other theory would be a great divide. Not so much a murderous rampage of torch and pitch fork weilding christians and catholics running amuck, but a war between the free (free in will and free in mind) and the brainwashed. While many would accept the evidence and no longer care one way or another about sexual orientation, a vast amount of people would be in denial.. stamp satan's name on it, and run away. Would we put up a wall between each other? How would we even share the world anymore? Would we elect two goverments? One for straight god fearing people and one for gay and straight spiritual open minded people? Who would end up on top?

It is inevitable sooner or later (my money is on sooner) this proof and evidence will be too hard and factual to deny and the scientists and doctors who founded it will want to openly share it. It just boggles my mind to think of how our world (especially our country) will react. Because it is going to disprove things in the bible and bring to light even more of that book's complete bullshit, it's going to start a country wide riot. I can skepticize all day but it's something no one can know until it happens. Up to this point, all you see about this on TV is a shitty news station saying "Homosexuals: Are they born this way? Hairy Dicks is here to lay out the facts. Stay tuned." And what does Hairy Dicks say? Well he sits right there and lies through his teeth that it's all bullshit and strokes the egos of the millions of people who think gay people are going to hell without actually paraphrasing the bible. Mr. Dicks carefully scripted dialogue (probably written by the goverment) is a crystal clear example of why you can't trust the media. You can't trust TV, the news, magazines, or anything in a news paper you don't already know is a fact. But most humans with their dimly lit upstairs lights buy into all of this bullshit and build a life around it. I often rant about the people who stroll around with their cellphones always in hand and caring more about the brand of clothing they are wearing than a loved one or a friend. These people are cookie cutter examples of media children. I just made that title up. Media children are just people who have become so wrapped up in what all the different media outlets say a good life should be, that they become the media's own walking talking advertisements. They believe in the bible because the media says so, they buy an iphone because the media says so, they buy abercrombie and fitch because the media says so, they like athletic jock boys because the media says so, they like Jessica Simpson's music because the media says so, they get a yorkshire terrier puppy because the media says so. Now think of the people you know who AREN'T Media children. Do they like/do any of this shit? I didn't think so. (Nerds are excluded from the cellphone issue because a) us nerds love our technology and b) nerds know apple sucks ass. and if you like apple..well.. ewww.)

Just a whole crap load of food for your head there. I'd love some comments on this blog, or some emails. I'm always up for a good debate on this type of stuff.

/logout

- that I have a side of me that is all bitch and all "bull in a china shop" (thanks a lot MythBusters! now this analogy is busted!)

Since I can remember, I've battled anger problems and depression. In my case, these two really go hand in hand. I can't have one without the other, no matter which way I look at it. I try not to make a big deal out of these issues anymore (even though they are both very important... to fix that is), I've struggled with both for so much of my life now they are second nature. As far as both are concerned, I've improved WORLDS from where I was not four or five years ago.

You ever get mad at someone, tell them off expecting them to tussle right back with you? And then you're like "shit" when they surprise the fuck out of you and they act all civilized about it? It's these times when I realize how easily I can fly off the handle. I realize suddenly that the people pissing me off in the first place have a better grasp on their emotions and better self control than I do. I used to just deny it to myself. That I had a problem and I needed to work hard at fixing it or it would control my life. The fewer and farther between these episodes of mine occur, the more ashamed I feel about them. Anyone else out there with an anger problem, I'm sure knows... you forget that counting to ten or those deep breaths for one second and you're back to square one. It's like trying to suppress turrets. You start controlling it and fighting it the moment you wake up and you can't stop until you're asleep again. My mom thinks I'll eventually just grow out of it like she did. That's not enough for me though. I want kids pretty soon, and I don't want them to see their mommy arguing with people or raising her voice at people in disrespect.

Life is hard. Does the good really outweigh the bad? Sometimes it's hard to tell. I'm always thinking to myself "I want to be happy, or at least mostly positively stimulated" (no masturbation jokes please hehe). It's too much to ask for though if I don't deserve it 100%. I know how to put the puzzle together, I just don't quite have all the pieces. They don't come free.

You know what Michael Jackson says "If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change". Damn, he's awesome. I do want to make a change. I want a bright shining aura surrounding me and just a feeling of "good" to leave behind with every person I encounter. It's such a nice feeling when you meet someone and they just fill whatever space they are in with such light. When I was in eighth grade, my teacher Mr. M told me I had a sparkle in my eyes and he just wasn't the type of teacher to blow sunshine up your ass. I feel like I have the potential to overcome my mental health issues and I hope that sparkle will still be present when I finally reach my goal (if the sparkle even still exists.)

And now, the song of the day.

Karl left today for Alb. I won't see him again until next weekend. This will be the longest we've been apart since.. oh.. a matter of years ago? It sucks. I've got plenty to do here but none of it sounds appealing. I just picked up a copy of Okami at Game Stop the other day and I can't even sit still long enough to concentrate on it. I've got a sort of knot in my stomach preventing me from having any fun, or maybe it's just because Karl isn't here to have said fun with me.

Luck, I just love you sometimes. Your sense of humor and the enjoyment you get from watching me suffer. Just after Karl left today "Luck" decided it was time for my new computer to start fucking up. Not a single problem when my computer savvy husband is here, but as soon as he leaves, Luck likes to get naughty. First my mic broke, then my sound became possessed, then my internet started dragging ass from profiling cookies and my internet kept hiccuping. For the moment, things are stable (internet-wise), but I have a feeling I'll be screwed before the weekend gets here. Wish I wasn't so addicted to this thing. /sigh

Nine boxes packed today, one of books which I somehow cleverly misspelled on the label as "boox". I found it funny. Before I began the packing process, the house already looked pretty empty to me but it turns out we have a lot of shit. Karl has so much computer crap lying around our "office". I'm suddenly feeling overwhelmed because I thought I could actually handle the entirety of the packing on my own, and now I'm not so sure. Not to mention, I'm too out of shape for heavy box lifting. I feel like I got mauled by a raptor, my body is in so much pain. (Yes I know, I wouldn't even be sitting here if I got mauled by a raptor but the pain is no exaggeration. I hurt pretty fucking bad right now.)

Damn... this is going to be one long ass week.

Good luck at your first day of work tomorrow, Karl.

*end transmission*

I am officially Mrs. Hendricks now, I should mention that first and foremost here in my dearest sphere. It feels good, REALLY good.

SO Andre has been neutered. We took him in early tuesday morning, and picked him up later after 3pm. I don't know if you've ever seen a chihuahua all doped up on pain-killers, but it's actually very funny. I've never seen him so sweet and cuddly before, plus he kept trying to walk around and could hardly keep his balance. We had lots of laughs. Ladadada.. and then we get home. We come in, sit him down, and what does he do? He quickly realizes something isn't right and dashes off to take a nice thick male dog marking piss on our trash can. He then sniffed furiously at it as if it were missing something... hmm? Point is, he ran in there and did exactly what we thought the neutering would  fix (hey, it's worked for some other male dogs I've had/known!) So we were a bit surprised, but at the same time not. We'd been warned he might still piss on everything, but we were hoping not.

We got the house! Yes, we qualified for the house we have been looking into and we finalize the paperwork on Friday. There is a catch though... it won't be ready for a month. Karl HAS to start work on Monday morning though. We discussed the many different possibilities for how to handle or approach this small obstacle, and we figured the best way is a way neither of us really approve of. Karl will be heading to the city Sunday evening without me where he will be setting himself up in a live-in hotel. So a month without him (with possible visits on days off though). I know this doesn't sound like anything to whine about to most people, but keep something in mind. I don't have any friends here, Karl is my best friend and pretty much my only real friend. I am so used to hanging out with him every day. Laughing with him, talking with him, having a badass time with him, and just having him here in general. Even the one or two nights we spend apart when I go to visit my mom and sister in Ruidoso are hard. We're not joined at the hip or anything, or co-dependent.. but we are best friends AND lovers. It's hard to be without the only person in the world you are the MOST comfortable around. The one that keeps you sane. The one you never get tired of. I'm so happy for him getting to go start his job, but I'm going to miss the hell out of him. Luckily (I guess) I have lots of packing to do here still. So lots to keep me busy. I wanted to be pissed off about this whole situation earlier today, but I had to look on the bright side. We have a house, he has a job (I will shortly after the move). Things are going better than they were a month ago. I shall embrace this adventure and test of my strength and patience, after all... isn't that what becoming an adult is all about?

And now, this week on "my awkward social encounters with females"....

The day was going great. Sunshine and a summer breeze, good friends (male ones at this point) and the fun and entertaining antics of Brice (the weird one who is kinda cool but sings a lot!) "You guys want to go to a Barbeque?" Brice asks innocently. EVERY time we get invited to a social gathering by anyone, I swear to you, the first thought to enter my mind is "Great, wonder what female will be there this time cutting her eyes at me and assuming I'm a snobby bitch whilest knowing absolutely nothing about me." I kid you not, this happens all too often. The last girl actually cut her eyes at me. You know, the cut and roll like we used to do back in elementary school. I have yet to figure out how my being a bit quiet leads females to the conclusion that I'm some sort of heinous bitch they should be as childishly rude to as possible. Hence, I try to avoid social encounters with girls, but sometimes I find myself stuck in this bullshit before I can object. I shall call the two females I met "Ren" and "Stimpy". Ren wasn't bad at first, in fact, Ren was pretty kewl. I quickly realized though that Ren was inclined to saying whatever was necessary to be deemed this four letter word by whoever she was speaking to. One minute with me she was all about the piercings, tats, and just general badgirl stuff. You can imagine my surpise when she turned to Stimpy and suddenly knew more about make-up and pedicures than Parry Hillman (or whatever the fuck her name is). Stimpy was a fucking idiot. This is my sphere, and in my sphere I will not hold back. I will not be kind. Stimpy, I am sorry.. but you were one of the most retarded females I have ever met. Do you huff paint? Have you pickled your brain from too many cosmos and daiquiris? People, don't take these things I'm saying and assume I would ever act on my personal opinions of people. I may think you suck, but you can rest assured I would be nothing but nice and polite to your face or I wouldn't look at or speak to you at all ^_^. And I was very nice to these girls, and they weren't anything but nice to me in return, but I felt the "vibes". Ren was sizing me up, but quickly lost track of these thoughts when there was suddenly someone else to impress with her super chameleon abilities. Stimpy on the other hand could not keep her eyes off me. My clothes, my shoes, my hair, my face.. I even asked her once "Do I have a booger on my face or something?" and in this "I'm a dumb blond with brown hair" tone, she replied "No... I would tell you." and continued to stare. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to stare back. I wanted to come right out and ask her "WTF?" But I didn't. I just imagined how nice it would be to walk over and shove her boca sausage down her throat and give her a nice firm pat on the cheek with the back of my hand. Now I'm sort of feeling meh about the whole situation. My point here is, why are chicks like this? Only another girl could answer me though.. you guys are as clueless to this underground war between women as you are to the piss droplets you leave all over the toilet seat for us to smear our pretty clean behinds on. So women, I ask you all this question.."WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM WITH OTHER GIRLS?" And don't say I'm the one with the problem either, that's the easy way out. I'm simply in retort mode. No, try to come up with something intelligent (unless you're Stimpy) and tell me why you feel the need to treat meeting another girl as a competition in the evil bitch olympics. Is it jealousy? If it is, of what? I can help you here... go watch some dogs frolic around in a yard. Be jealous of them. They are happier than you will ever be while you have this obnoxious attitude towards other girls you are jealous of. Bah! In the past seven or eight years I have only met two females who never once acted like all these other girls I'm referring to. Nida and Melissa, you two are goddesses. So once again, if you are a girl, and you pull this kind of bullshit on unsuspecting girls (or the suspecting ones like me for that matter) at social gatherings, please.. stop. Be yourself (the good you), be real, be cool, and don't be competitive. A girl that is sure of herself and confident is a beautiful thing. And hey, if you meet me and you think I'm a bitch? Tell me, and I promise you'll find out differently (Mellissa sure did!)

Oh I love a chance to really go off like that. Now for a good song. Listen below.

The title says it all. I've been working on ways to get my pencil art on my computer without having a scanner. I found that if I lay my paper across my digi-tablet, I can get the basic outline and proper proportions transferred over. Unfortunately, it looks like complete shit at first. I basically have to spend hours drawing something I already spent hours drawing once on paper. I've worked on two over the course of today, one is on the "My Art" page, top far left.

In between art work, I was playing flash games and dating sims on newgrounds. I need a new game to sink my claws into, badly. Amanda Fitch?! PLEASE make Aveyond 3!!1 No more of this simulated pet raising crap, it's not what you're good at, and there are plenty of failing pet sims on the shelves these days to give you a hint. Really though, Amanda Fitch is brilliant. A genius writer. It's times like these I wish I were a bit more into other consoles (I'm stubborn and must do PC gaming arrggghhh!). But there just aren't enough PC games that I give a hoot about playing. Everything is either an RTS or a FPS these days. The RPG/Adventure genre is dying sadly. It's like watching a beautiful animal go extinct. *cries*

So tomorrow is going to be a busy day. Gotta go to Alb and pick up Brice, head to LL for the little legal ceremony/wedding, take him back and do god only knows what for a few hours, drive all the way back to Soc and give my filthy, naughty dogs a bath. Think I'm going to attempt to brush their teeth as well and with any luck, I won't get bit by "Squirtle". Don't ask. Slutty McNub should take it well enough though.

Yay! I think I got sleepy. Now listen to the song below, it's trippy and kewl. I'm still trying to figure out what it's trying to say.

The first post in something I wish I'd began a long time ago. For a while I used the journal on deviantTART, but something about it felt empty. I guess it could be the fact that just like MySpace (if you're kewl, you know it, don't take offense to this), it has become a place of lies, deceit, and whoring for attention. I'm so fucking tired of how a good person can turn into such a blubbering bitch when their attention quota hasn't been filled by the end of the week.

"COMMENT ON MY PICTURES PLEASE!!!" and if we don't? "NOBODY LIKES ME OR COMMENTS ON MY PICTURES OR ART!! I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF AND I HATE YOU ALL!!" This kind of crap makes me sick. And it doesn't compel me to comment on their low quality cellphone self portraits any more or less than I did when I didn't comment in the first fucking place. Don't get me wrong, I love manipulating a picture of myself and displaying it for all the masses to see, but I don't have high expectations of comments or praise. It's just for fun. Some people are really losing their minds over this bullshit though. I've decided to stop using myspace and deviantart both now, neither are what they used to be (and myspace was never that great to begin with).

Oh but there is more plaguing my mind these days. I'm about to be moving to a huge fucking city. I'm intimidated. I'm going to have to get a job once I get there, and if it's anything like the last one I had, I'll end up boozing on the clock again and blowing all my money on... yep... booze. I'm not an alcoholic (denial!) no really, I'm not. But if I befriend a party person, I just always seem to end up hung over every day. Some people who know me probably wonder why I have no friends... and this is only ONE of the reasons why I keep the number to a low low minimum. I'm too irresponsible. And I don't like putting people in a position where they have to babysit me. But everyone drinks these days! It's like there is no fun to be had if alcohol isn't involved. No thanks. Plus I'm socially awkward at times and people probably find me a bit creepy.

NEWS NEWS NEWS. Beside the fact that I'm moving, Karl found a badass job and we got our marriage license today. We've been engaged for three years, and living together as a married couple for nearly all of that time. I didn't think standing in a courthouse and signing my name a couple of times on some legal document would feel so good or make me so giddy, but it did. We are going to the courthouse one town over on Monday to have the ole "justice of peace" style legal ceremony, but we're saving our medieval/fantasy themed actual wedding for later when we have some money. This afternoon we went to wal-mart and got Karl a cheap little silver band to wear around between monday when I am officially MRS. Karl Hendricks and the actual wedding. DAMN I love him.

The weekend is finally here and I need a new video game. I just finished Aveyond and Aveyond 2 from GameTap (oldschool style 2D turnbased rpg) and both were so fucking awesome they made me cry. And no, it wasn't that time of the month. The stories were both just so phenominal to me and hey, a chick wrote them! Even a guy would fall in love with these two games though. I'm sick of WoW right now (if I can keep from playing until Wrath of the Lich King comes out I will), and PotCO only appeals to my inner weapon skill and level grinder. It was kewl for a while until I hit the point where I was incapable and too many levels ahead of myself. I felt this way after I played Dreamfall too. (Ragnar Tornquist I love you!!!!!!) TLJ was awesome, but Dreamfall was SOOO FUCKING GREAT that I had trouble liking anything else for months after I beat it. It spoiled me. Now Aveyond has done the same thing. I'm at that phase where I feel like it's impossible to find a game I will love the way I love Aveyond. It's like being five on christmas, opening all your presents, and in the midst of all your satisfaction... you find out christmas is canceled for the next 2-3 years.

Andre my chihuahua gets neutered on Tuesday morning. Both the testicle in his scrotum and the one that never dropped that bulges from his tummy will be removed. Wish him luck.


*Like an unwound music box tune coming to an end, the sphere seals shut and the melody stops.*