This journal seems to serve it's purpose best when I'm feeling under the weather. I don't have anything too happy to write about this time around.


My hairless rat Stewie had been sick for a long time. He had tumors on his face and one in his throat that were growing rapidly. We couldn't afford the high cost of getting them removed (thousands of dollars even for such a small animal). Despite the tumors he stayed in good spirits for a long time. Eating well, drinking well, playing, and being sweet as ever when I'd hold him. I had originally thought the tumor on his face was an abscess and attempted to lance it but his skin was too tough and it seemed to merely be making things worse for him. After a few days the cut I'd caused just split and out popped two separate tumors. I felt bad but at the same time, I think it prolonged his life some. The tumors began growing outward as opposed to inward toward his eye socket and skull. He lived with his tumors for about five months. He was such a trooper and although every time I looked at him and held him I just wanted to cry, I couldn't stand the thought of letting him go yet. Well, Tuesday morning Karl and I both decided it was time to put him down. His health was finally taking noticeable turns for the worse and he was dropping weight. I told myself over and over this was the best thing to do. It wasn't until it was done and we were driving home with Stewie's lifeless body wrapped in a towel in a shoe box that it suddenly hit me what I'd just done. I immediately felt like shit. Shit for not being able to afford tumor removal in the first place, shit for all the time he had to have been suffering, and even more shit for deciding his life needed to end. He's been buried in the back yard and we planted some flowers on his grave. It all just feels wrong still. I can't shake the guilt. I really loved that rat.


Naturally, afterward Karl had to go back to work and I was left to grieve alone. I desperately needed consoling and no one gave a shit. Two friends I tried to talk to blew me off and I ended up talking to Ellari for a while. One of the first things she said to me was "I hate to break it to you but this probably isn't the last time you'll have to make a decision like this." Now at the time I just said "I know" and we continued on. In hindsight though, how fucking rude of her was it to say that? It angers me to think about it now. Of course that's a true statement but it's about as cold as telling someone whose mother just died "Well, everyone's mother dies. You just have to deal with it." It's just not the right choice of words for that stage of the grieving process. That's the time for verbal back pattings and understanding. Just another reminder why I don't actively go looking to converse with her. I think I forgot for a moment that that woman has a love/hate feeling toward me. I don't doubt she loves me, but I think she likes it when I hurt or suffer over something. I cop this vibe of gratification from her. It's sick. So there I was crying my eyes out in desperate need of a shoulder to lean on and the only one available was jagged and cold. I'm getting really tired of always being the "go-to" one when certain friends of mine are having trouble with boyfriends or girlfriends or just their problems in general and yet they are nowhere in sight when I need them. I've said it before and I'll probably say it again but I feel truly fed up with trying to have friends. Honestly what the hell is the point anymore? 


I recently took on the biggest load of art projects I've ever attempted. Trying desperately to win the Theme contest for Weebly and at the same time trying to get two paintings done for a friend's grad/b-day gift. I poured countless hours into my contest submissions and didn't even make it into the finalists list. I don't even have the stomach to tell Karl I completely lost because I was so sure I'd at least make it to the top ten and so was he. I never feel competitive about anything but I took a chance on this. I tried to be supportive of my competition and optimistic about my own chances. I feel stupid and rotten now for even bothering. All that artwork is no better than garbage now. Between that and worrying sick over Stewie, I fell behind on the gift paintings. All I wanted to do was play video games and try and find some peace. The paintings are almost done but I feel like I failed because I set a goal and a deadline and couldn't meet either one. 


I'm not depressed, not the same way I have been in the past. I just feel like shit. Grieving over Stewie, stressed about the paintings, reminded that I have no chance of mending the dysfunctional relationship I have with my older sister, and that some of my friends are pretty much selfish pieces of shit who apparently don't see me as anything more than a door mat. There's a few people I'm going to need a serious break from for a while. It's a shame that when the inevitable happens and their dog or grandma dies and they come crying to me I won't have the balls to say FUCK YOU!!! And instead I'll comfort them and kiss their ass because that's just how I am.


Where in the fuck has everyone's spine gone?


Rest in peace, Stewie. This world is a shitty place anyway.

 
Health and Love 04/28/2010
 
Karl and I tossed around the idea of jogging and changing our eating habits for quite some time. We finally decided to just do it already. I almost completely quit eating sugar and started drinking heaps of water. We've both cut down dramatically on portions and started trying for three small meals a day with snacks instead of the one or two huge meals we were accustomed to before. We got started on a walking and jogging program called "Couch to 5k" and are about to be on week three already. We're both already a little banged up from it (ankles and knees) but we're slowly adjusting.

Sometimes the benefits of the changes are great, but then there are the times I feel weak and over exerted. I'm struggling a bit with cravings for foods I'm trying to cut way back on too. I may relax a bit later but for now the scale is far too motivating. I've lost about four pounds and while most might not notice, I sure as hell see it.

Hand in hand with some healthier living, or perhaps even a result of, my depression has been at bay for longer than it's been in ages. The last time I can remember being this emotionally in control was when I broke up with my ex and decided to "go steady" with Karl. New love tends to easily overshadow negative emotional instability though so it's not too surprising. I've been working on my self esteem and getting as much exposure therapy as possible. There for a while, even the grocery store caused me to feel like hyper ventilating. Social phobia doesn't simply cure overnight and there are still times where an attempt to go in somewhere ends with me hitting a mental brick wall... but... I'm doing really well. I'm proud of myself.

And love? Well, since my depression subsided and I started to become a bit more outgoing, things have been amazing in my marriage. Karl's always been loving, patient, and supportive when most people would have given me the finger, and I'm extremely grateful to him for that, but, there is nothing like the feeling I get when he's proud of me for trying to change the things that made me so unhappy. He notices, he praises, it makes him happy, and he's proud. It makes for a great cycle in a marriage. When we're both happy, we treat each other like gold. It's been a long time since we've fought. We've both always been great at communicating with one another and being better off emotionally just makes it even easier. What would have once been a ten minute squabble is now a five minute disagreement that usually ends with laughter and kisses. I spent a long time taking my marriage for granted. Forgetting what great chemistry I have with this man. We're both rather soft spoken around people but it's two completely different people that emerge when we're alone. Fun and playful. Kind and passionate. Lovers.. that's a given. But we truly are best friends as well. Being with him never gets old. Conversations with him always hold my interest and even when he's talking about things I don't particularly care about, I'm still intrigued. I'm beyond lucky. I love him deeper every day.
 
Games and Life 02/28/2010
 
Firstly... The Witcher. Action/Adventure/RPG on the PC. I played this about a month or so ago and freaking loved it. I highly recommend the Enhanced Edition of it due to all the extra "adult" features in it. It's got a really dark and realistic medieval feel to it, but it is not without some awesome fantasy as well. The only complaint I have (and apparently others as well) is that my game crashed during some pretty significant cutscenes and boss fights. I had to remember to save often or risk throwing several hours of progress in the trash. Really good game, awesome graphics, great story. A+ for The Witcher.


Secondly... One of the main things I wanted for my birthday (which isn't for few weeks) was a PS3. Karl got me one early (<3!) and threw in Heavy Rain as my first game for it. Promptly after hooking up the console I started the game and played for about ten hours straight. It's more of an interactive movie. There is no "game over", but there are a ton of different endings depending on which of the main characters die and which ones live. In my first run through it, I seemed to screw up with the characters I cared most about and my ending was probably one of the worst possible in that more people died than I had hoped. I'm playing through it again and doing things differently and lots of the dialog is different but I read that I won't see the real fruit of my changes until close to the end. I don't mind that at all though because the story and the whole feel of the game is such that I could probably play it ten times over and still not get tired of it. I desperately hope Quantic Dream makes more games like this. By *this* I don't necessarily mean the real time mechanics, but the "no fail" take on a story. In theory, I could literally bomb every situation in the game by deliberately not hitting the buttons appropriately and I would not "fail" the game. I would simply get a different ending. I foresee many more hours of sheer experimentation with this game just to see the different endings. I love it bunches.


Updates on life will have to wait because I'm tired now.


Quit  or   [Save and Quit]
 
Calm 01/19/2010
 
As usual, the depression cycle came to an almost complete halt and I'm feeling much better these last few days. Taking a friend's advice I took advantage of feeling decent and started looking into what it would take for me to go back to school. As it turns out, it's not the huge hassle I'd been thinking it was and college is within my financial reach. Not a five star college or anything close but at this point who the hell am I to be picky anyway? It was a good idea to start thinking about school and I appreciate the advice. He knows who he is. *wave wave*


After the awkward night of meeting Cheryl in person, the girl I began pen-palling with on OkCupid, I decided to start replying to messages on there again. If there is anything I need more in my life right now, it is friendship that spans further than my computer screen. I actually got a message from an awesome girl and it's eerie how much we have in common. She's an artist, hella nerdy, and just really nice. If this goes well this could be pretty kewl.


Trying to just relax recently and enjoy feeling okay, I've been playing a lot of Mario on the Wii with Karl. You simply cannot play that game with two or more people and not be yelling and laughing your ass off the entire time. We're already about to beat it which kind of sucks... I'm not ready for it to be over yet. I also had the sudden urge to paint again yesterday (traditionally not digitally) so we went shopping and I replaced all of my old paint brushes and bought a bunch of new paint colors. I got a bunch of blank canvases too. So we'll see what happens with that. Oh.. and of course there has been lots of WoW. I'm PvPing a Warlock and PvEing as a tanking Pally. Neither character is too hard and I don't have to get frustrated. Really enjoying it so far.


For a couple of months now my hairless rat Stewie has had a pretty bad booboo on his back. It started as a scratch and Riker decided he needed to chew on it and lick it for Stewie so it keeps getting worse... then better... then worse... then better. It just won't ever go completely away so today I will be setting the boys up in two different cages for a while and trying to get Stewie's back to heal up. I tried this once before and they were so miserable and pathetic without each other I ended up caving after two days. This time I need to stick it out and I guess just give them extra attention one-on-one, which can't hurt because I don't give them enough attention as it is. My dogs are also in serious need of a bath but I don't even want to think about that right now.


I wouldn't call the way I'm feeling now "happy" but it's definitely a feeling of relief. Like I was just forced to do ten thousand jumping jacks and I'm finally allowed to rest. I wish there was way to hold on to this but it just never works out that way. No harm in trying again though. I've been gradually changing my eating and drinking habits and remembering to take my vitamins. A couple of weeks of it hardly yields a noticeable difference but I'm hoping after a month or two I might start to see some changes. The most important being my ability to sleep.. if not during the night.. then at least for an entire eight hours. It's been months since I've slept over five or six hours at once and even when I manage that much sleep it's because I'm near going on twenty four hours without any sleep at all.


Ordered a few goodies for myself from ebay. Some new earrings and the stuff to make some necklaces. Also a neat pair of high top converse which I've wanted for a long time but never can find in just plain black at the Mall here. They have every ugly color and pattern under the sun it seems except for black. The zipper on my favorite hoodie broke off a while back so I also got a new hoodie. I'm not sure anymore if I really want to go to AKon Twenty-one but I already have nearly all of my Jane Lane costume and I've been looking for the remaining pieces. It's already just a few months away so I probably need to figure out what I'm going to do soon. 
 
 
Take one step forward and ten steps back. Seldom happy and always sad and crying. And just when I think I'm right I'm the one in the most wrong. What a pitiful way to exist? I'm such a fucked up mess. My ego likes to lie and tell me I'm different. Special even. Now of course I know that's bullshit (I'm just another human with severe depression or "something" like that.) It's 7 am, I can't sleep...  like I ever can. I've been up all night. Played WoW for a little while, worked on a comic strip just some practice and it's probably the most emo shit I've ever done. I guess that's what happens when you just let the hand of an unhappy person paint. I get in funks every now and then where my depression just hits what feels to me like a rock bottom which is what I seem to be in now. I usually hit it and then start to feel better. The problem is the pits are getting deeper. It's getting more and more painful before each bottom. What does that mean? If this keeps going? I won't lie, it's times like this... and I really hate to say this (because it feels childish and weak)... that I want to die. I just want the courage to grab a knife and slit my throat. Now I feel sick just writing that. The only thing I truly hate in my existence is this feeling. This lump in my throat and "thing" inside me that sometimes feels like more bad than I can handle, and other times like complete emptiness. I bully myself. Sometimes it's a fear of being ugly, sometimes fat, sometimes stupid, sometimes talentless. It's like I gang up on myself. Some part of me just has to rip me down as low as it can. Since my Mom and sister left here from visiting over the holidays I've felt something different fucking with me. Depression of course is there but there's been this added awareness of my loneliness. I know I spend way too much time in this house alone. To some people it might not be a big house but to me it is big. Big and empty. And the white walls and white floors just make it that much more bleak. I've felt sick every time Karl makes sexual advances toward me... and I know it has nothing to do with him. Love is not in question. It's hard to have a libido worth a shit when you feel like just that... shit. I was an ass and of course fought with my Mom and sister while they were here but once they were gone I sort of felt abandoned or something. It's hard to explain. I loved having people I actually give a shit about filling my house with life and sound. Using my bathroom and taking over my computer. Barging in my room. You never realize how little things like that can keep your mind busy with simple stuff until you really experience the solitude I have here. You could probably "almost" compare it to being stranded on a deserted island. Like Robinson Crusoe. And Karl is my Friday. Pally and Andre, my Skipper. (Thanks for that movie suggestion, Mom. I should really read that book I bet it's great.) WoW (which I always end up going back to) tends to serve a different purpose for me than most it's players. I do like the game, but I crave the people. I constantly look for any opportunity to socially interact. I try to appear sort of standoffish (that tends to make people WANT to talk to you for some reason in WoW /shrug) but if someone gets me started I can't shut up. Does it help? I think it's helping with the overwhelming loneliness thing a bit. It helps the time Karl is at work pass by a little faster. Naturally, at this time I need human contact the most, Karl's been and will be working longer hours. For a few days I was trying not to bridge the gap between us caused by me being busy with my family while they were here. I felt the "alone" creeping up on me and I knew he'd be working and I just didn't want to feel close to him. Closeness to ANYONE make being alone harder, but with him... especially hard. That man is a saint for how patient he is with me and for even sticking around. I'm grateful that through all my screwed up depression I can still love this much. I feel winded with this now so I'm going to try and change the subject a bit.

It's ironic to me that after my previous post here about Ellari, I ended up having a pretty pleasant visit with her on Christmas eve. We showed up at my Grandma's with the plan being to just pick up my Mom and little sister and head home but we ended up staying for a while and watching the kids open some presents. My grandpa is always so happy to see me (he wasn't a very nice man when I was little) and he always tells me Jesus loves me and is proud of me. And so is he. It feels nice and means a lot to me. I went over to Ellari's and saw her new place. I got a tour and looked at some pictures and videos. And we've been pleasantly exchanging messages over Myspace for a week or two now. Don't ever mark my words on timelines or lengths, I never even know what day it is anymore. In the words of NIN, "Every day is exactly the same." Neither of us has really formally apologized for any of the stuff that happened... I guess it's just so run into the ground now there's no point. It doesn't even matter what went down. My memories of it are blurry at best to be honest now anyway. I'm still not tired but I don't feel like writing anymore. Oh, there's a yawn... maybe sleep is not too distant on the horizon as I thought. G'nite.
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I've been in a "fight" with my older sister for so long now it's hard to even remember why or how it got to this point. It's plain to see should anyone bother to look that she's got some serious issues, and I told her, and that was that. I grew up being told on a daily basis how fucked up I was... what the hell made her so special that she couldn't take it?


What's hurting me right now is not so much my lack of any sort of relationship with Ellari, it's what she's caused between her kids and I. I'm not sure I can say with certainty that they "hate" me, but there's definitely an absence of any feeling or care. When they see me I sense a vibe of indifference. Like I may as well be a stranger. On their myspace profiles (which I don't take too seriously but they do) they have their friend lists quite carefully put together... and I'm not in the "main" group on any of the three. They have people listed who could care less about them but no aunt Konni. In their picture albums titled "family", I see a crap ton of people they aren't even related to or that they never really knew... but again.. no aunt Konni. When Ellari and Justin were too busy being shitty parents who was watching, not one, not two, but often times all of three of those kiddos? ME. Changing diapers, feeding, entertaining, bullying (yes, but only because I was still a little kid myself). I spent countless hours with those kids. I was a constant in their life from the days they were born to the day Justin took them to Texas and I had no way to get a hold of them. I can't tell if Justin changed them or if too much Ellari in their ears constantly has widened the chasm between us. I hope one of these days when they mature a bit more and start thinking for themselves they will realize why I've had to distance myself from the family and how much I've always loved them. 


I have this burdening feeling of unfairness in my heart over this whole situation. I was a screwed up kid.. but I straightened up. I'm "the good one" so to speak now. So why the hell am I the one who feels alienated from my family? Why do I feel like my Mom and Calli are the only two people who give a shit about me in my family? Why does Ellari get away with behaving so violently and insanely while being a drug addict and it's kewl?


Being the daydreamer I am, I often wonder what will happen when everyone finally gets fed up with Ellari and can't ignore it anymore. When Rachel does to Ellari what I did to Rachel. Realizes the violence and abuse just aren't worth it and finds someone who makes her a better person. When my grandparents are either gone or just too old to be mooched off any longer. When her kids are grown and trying to live their own lives. The last time Ellari and I even spoke at length we were fighting through emails and she couldn't help repeating the phrase "You're just like your Dad!" This really made me sit back and think hard.. because I don't even know my Dad on a personal level. All I know is what I've been told. The fact is, I am not a damned thing like him. Ironically... Ellari is quite like him. And it makes sense even though she's not his birth daughter, she was raised by him for a hell of a lot longer than I was. If anyone can be blamed for my bad behavior growing up, it's Ellari herself, her ex-husband, and probably my Mom somewhat too.


This whole situation is one I strive not to even think about. There's no solution to it. I don't think I will ever be even a smidgen close to Ellari ever again and there's no chance of a decent relationship with her kids until they start having a mind of their own. I guess this is a sorrow I'm going to have with me for quite some time.


On a lighter hearted note, I worked all night on my Christmas art project. Karl is going to get it put on some cards (hope it actually works out like it's supposed to) and we'll be sending them out to people for X-Mas. I'm really proud of it even though I used a guide because I can't draw Chibi THAT chibi-ee well from my own mind. All details hand painted. God only knows how many hours of work. I stopped counting. Of course it looks much better larger but alas the blog will not allow it and I'm not adding it to my art gallery until AFTER I've pretty much solidified my ownership of it on the cards.
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Yes, I am a die hard hopeless Michael Jackson fan. I haven't updated this blog since my post mourning Michael's supposed death and I'm already talking about him again in this one.

My mother told me I am a really sensitive person. It's very true. And it runs deeper than just having fragile feelings or a tender heart. She's a sensitive person too and I like to think it's one of the great gifts I inherited from her. For as much pain as it often comes with, always feeling so heavy hearted for others while still facing my own personal sorrow, I'm glad for it.

I would have never guessed my early twenties would be as emotional as my early teens. I thought life was supposed to get easier when you grew up. We never know how good we have it as kids until the day we blink and there are bills to pay and mouths to feed. I admit this loose and slipping grip I have on my emotions makes accepting the transition to an adult really difficult sometimes. Among a million other hurdles.

How many times have I felt like I was at a crossroads? Too many to count, and here I stand at another. Amidst all of my faults and shortcomings. My doubts and weaknesses I am realizing it is time to let go of the child in me and become the best adult I can be.

I am here, at this age, in a year on this planet when things are not good. Maybe every generation feels that way. This could be a very natural thing I'm feeling. I like to think it is because it breaks my heart to think I'm here and the world is worse for the wear than it's ever been.

I owe this important time in my life where I want to change so much and make up for all of my selfishness to Michael Jackson. I'm not sure anyone outside of "true fan" status can understand why or how I came to feel this way. I see more than just a celebrity. I hear more than just some songs. And I see a message written in and between the lines when I read and sing his lyrics. We all find our reason somewhere. This is where I found mine.

How do I change? What do I have the ability to change? I don't want to make unrealistic goals for myself. I want to start small, and build from there.

 -I am a jealous person. I have been rude to and about people that did not deserve it due to my envy. This is a self destructive behavior and I don't want it anymore. I want to respect people more, even when not in their presence. So I can then begin to respect myself more.

 -I am a waster. I waste water, electricity, food, time, and objects that could be of use if I only saved them instead of throwing them away. At the same time I waste precious things, I have criticized and scolded others for doing so. The change starts with me, and carries on from the examples I set. I want to let go of the spoiled child within me that prefers a long and full bath over a short lukewarm shower. The careless person that requires too much heat in the winter, and too much cool air in the summer. The thoughtless person who gets picky about food then barely touches it and throws the rest in the trash. And most importantly, the person who sits on her ass being depressed when there is a life to live and people to love.

 -I am a hoarder and materialistic. I didn't want to admit this. I loved to boost my ego by thinking I was low maintenance and did not want more than I needed. But I must admit the truth so that I can truly change this about myself. Scattered around me are many things I don't need. Part of the change I want to make is minimizing the things I own. I don't want possessions to cloud my ability to appreciate the simple things in life. These useless items I own have not given me any lasting amount of happiness or fulfillment. The happiness I do have that never goes away can only be traced back to people. To me that says a lot about how important investment in the lives of other human beings truly is.

 -I regret and miss opportunities to show how much I care. Helping my family and the occasional homeless person on the street corner or the store parking lot is not enough. It's not enough for the people who need help and it's not enough for me. I come across opportunities to do more fairly often but I just "think" about it instead of taking action. Food drives. I can't even count how many times I've been IN a grocery story and walked past the canned food drive deposit box thinking "Hmmm.. maybe next time I come in." Such a small gesture, and yet I grew up poor and eating food during Thanksgiving and Christmas that was brought to our front door by people who were willing to put food in those boxes. These drives were often where my Christmas presents came from as well. It is my duty as a child who was saved the heart break of a Christmas with little to nothing by those people, to give back to that. Because it took so much strength and the swallowing of my mother's pride to seek that help so she could give her children a good holiday. Now it's my turn. It's time to stop conveniently forgetting or walking past the less fortunate in the corner of my eye. 


I am sure I will find a million more ways to change that can benefit more than myself as time goes on, but the list above is of the things I can change now. Those are obtainable goals within my reach and while I am alive, I have to try.

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Now that I've written out those things, mostly for my own peace of mind and to re-read later and whenever I may need to, there's a few other things to mention that have gone on lately.


My computer crashed a few weeks ago. With some luck and Karl, we managed to get it fixed and then got my site here working again right about the same time. I really would like to get my art programs back soon though. Having all been pirated before, I had to just lose them when my HD got replaced. I need PS again unless I want to try to teach myself Corel that came with my tablet but every time I messed with it in the past it didn't seem much better than MS Paint. In the meantime, I've been doing some actual pencil sketching which I haven't done in ages. 

It was Karl's birthday yesterday (26 years old. He was 21 when we met.) I think he had a pretty good day even though his night was spent taking me to see "This Is It", the new MJ movie. I was supposed to have an art piece done for him. A chibi version of his Night Elf Druid and his two arena partners from his 3v3 team, but the computer crash was unexpected and pretty much ruined that. It will get done eventually though. 

In our spare time together we've been playing Champions Online and actually getting some console play in on Brutal Legend. It's great playing an MMO with him, but I really enjoy being his second pair of eyes on a console game. Not to toot my own horn or anything but I'm usually the one who ends up figuring out the boss fight strategies.. hehe. BL is a really neat game so far, especially if you're familiar with late eighties to nineties rock/metal and get all of the jokes and tributes. 

Falling asleep at the keyboard now. I'm going to try and update chere now that the site is fixed. I expect to have more info on whether or not I will be making any new Sims music videos using TS3 in the neat future, perhaps by the next time I post.


Peace and L.O.V.E. 
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Never Never Land 06/26/2009
 

I have been needing to put pictures up here from A-Kon Twenty and just update in general because it's been a busy last couple of months. That can all wait though.

I'm writing now because yesterday, June 25th 2009, Michael Jackson died. Just reading those words is difficult. It's like I'm reading a lie. As far back as I can remember, I've known of Michael Jackson and heard his music. It was played frequently in our household by my older sister and mom and continued when I was old enough to keep the channel on MTV during his videos and play the tapes we had on the stereo. I bought his albums as a teenager (the ones that never got very famous).

The majority of people these days are either too afraid to admit they liked or loved Michael Jackson and his music, or they really do think they hate him now. I know it is because of the child molestation accusations. And how they happened not once, but twice. While my household was filled with a lot of Michael Jackson growing up, it was also filled with the ramblings and speeches of a parent who studied criminal justice in college and spent a good deal of time profiling serial killers with a well known world wide organization. The law and the justice system are no strangers to me to say the very least. When a Jury "thinks" you're guilty, or a Judge or a prosecutor "thinks" you did it, it doesn't matter if you did not. There are so many innocent people in prison right now you could fill multiple states with them. It takes MORE evidence to prove you're innocent than it does to prove you're guilty. If Michael were even a smidgen under the innocent evidence quota, he would NOT have been found innocent TWICE. And save your "oh he paid them off" bullshit. He was not about to repeat that mistake the second time. There is pride to be found in knowing you're innocent, and the second time around Michael respected himself.

I think that Michael set himself up for the accusations to be made, but that doesn't make them true. The media made sure to bombard the populace with enough bullshit to turn a great portion of our country against one of the brightest beacons of hope we had. Michael was a shining light of good. The media does not want you to be a happy bunch of people. So when you find a diamond, you bet your ass the media will shit on it until every sparkle is gone. There was no evidence to support the accusations against Michael, but the brainwashed lemmings in this world still couldn't just leave it at that. They decided to hate Michael anyway because the media did anyway.

I don't think people realize what really died when Michael died. I'm lax in my spiritual and religious beliefs... but every once in a while I see someone and I truly think they are as close to an Angel as I may ever see in my life. Michael Jackson was one of those people. Listen to the song I put below here. Listen to those words. Michael Jackson wrote that song. A human man wrote that song. If you don't feel your heart stir when you hear that song knowing the man who wrote it and felt every word is gone now, than I feel sorry for you.

When I was at A-Kon Twenty, I hit up the AMV showing with one of Nida's friends (Chance) and we ended up being too late to get a seat. We had to stand and my feet were killing me. There was a movie theater sized projection screen at the front of the ballroom it was held in and some loud booming surround sound. The lights went down and the AMVs commenced. The first four or five weren't bad but they were pretty forgettable. And then... I heard the beginning of "Heal The World" and I almost shit myself. Someone actually did a beautiful AMV to the very song I have below. I could not control how my eyes welled up. The AMV was really good, I was hearing Michael Jackson on surround sound, and people were loving it. I was so proud of the person who made that AMV. For knowing the stigma that comes with admitting you're a fan of Michael these days and doing that anyway, and all of those people (there were hundreds in the room easily) cheering and "awww"ing at the sweet parts. The best part may have even been at the end when everyone clapped. More people clapped at the end of that video than the previous ones. I was so happy then that Chance had wanted to go to that and I'd been hungry enough to end up hunting for food with him in the first place. A few simple events set in motion that I should be standing there in that dark ballroom to watch an AMV on a wall sized screen to one of my all time favorite Michael Jackson songs. I believe there is a reason I ended up there and got to see and hear what I did. Fate? Luck? I don't know. I just don't see how I can ever dispute fate when something so perfect as that happens to me. And this soon after, Michael is gone. That experience at the AMV showing was a much more profound way to hear a Michael Jackson song than sitting alone at my computer and using ARES or YouTube to listen. It was my goodbye from him I didn't even realize was a goodbye at the time.

On Thursday, June 25th 2009, the world lost someone who loved them unconditionally and despite the pain they caused him. We lost a hero, a virtuoso, and an Angel of hope. At a time in our lives when we need hope more than anything, we took it for granted that the brightest beacon of such we had was here all along.

I love you, Michael and we will miss you. Thank you for the memories.

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                                     MICHAEL JOSEPH JACKSON
                                  August 29, 1958 - June 25, 2009
 
 

First of all, I dont know what the hell is wrong with my keyboard, but every time I attempt to put an apostrophe in a word I get the in window keyword finder popping up at the bottom. So no apostrophes for me until I figure out what the deal is or get a new keyboard.

This entry isn't going to (oh dear, it let me put an apostrophe in on isn't, figures it would fix it's self right after I mention it) be much better than my last in terms of how I'm feeling. I've got a whole different pile of crap on my plate now. And dare I even go here, but it is World of Warcraft related. Yeah, I went back to playing. I tried a bunch of other MMO's when I realized I need to play one. Simple... I really love them and I want to play them so much it feels like a need. The search ended up leading me right back to WoW. As it turns out, WoW is every bit the game I want to play, it's the other players that ruin it for me eventually and that just comes with the territory, with any MMO.

I had wanted to for a while - switch servers that is. So I did. I switched to Sentinels so I could try out the Roleplaying scene for a while and avoid the world PvP scene at the same time. Level without getting ganked and excercise a little creative writing. It started out really well. I got accepted into a reputable heavy RP guild I had to jump through hoops for in the application process and I met a couple of really neat people on the side. Guild seemed great until I started copping bad vibes from the female guild leader. I'm not even going to go into it for fear of sounding like vain dick head, but I know exactly why Judean doesn't like me anymore. And it's pretty fucking childish. I'm practicing my humility with her though and I still do nothing but kiss ass. Eventually the kindness has to kill her. And if not, well then at least I know I was never the asshole.

I met an awesome guy and an awesome girl. When I wasn't questing or roleplaying with one, you could find me with the other. Don't all good things have to come to a shitty end though? They sure as fuck do. I really need to learn that when people seem too good to be true, they are, and I need to run the other way quick. I should have known something wasn't right when Astralle and I were getting along SO ridiculously well. Girls just don't click like that on WoW. There's too much jealousy and competition flying around. But there we were, best buddies. Subtle red flags started to fly and I began to notice she thought I was a male. Stupid was I to think when she found out I wasn't, that it wouldn't matter. Sure enough, as soon as conversation led in that direction and it became apparent to her I was female, the friendship came to a dead stop. I didn't have a penis and wasn't drooling over her so I wasn't worth her time or investment in a friendship. My feelings were mildly hurt by that whole situation and still are somewhat.

As for the guy, we realized quickly we had so much in common it was scary. And of course, like with all males I meet on WoW, we had to jump the "Sorry, I'm taken" hurdle. It's the moment of truth where the guy either sticks around to be my friend anyway or splits when they find out they can't have me. Lykurgus (refraining from putting his real first name here) stuck around and I thought I'd found myself another Julien. Not a replacement awesome male friend made through WoW, but one similar that I could see lasting. In fact, on a completely platonic level, I *really* started to care about Lykurgus. Call me an asshole, but I get sick and fucking tired of always being the one to listen to people. It's probably why when someone is willing to listen to me for once, I can't seem to shut up. But I liked listening to him. And I felt he liked listening to me. And we would quest together and just quest. I appreciate someone I can just play the fucking game with and not have to pause every two seconds for small talk. There was conversation, and then there was game time. And then it just stopped. He's explained that circumstances outside his control have pulled him away from the game. And who am I to call him a liar. And I've done this to people... gotten close and then pulled the plug. So I guess it was only a matter of time before I got my karma. I want to get defensive and think it's some sort of vendetta or that he hates me now.. but that's probably overreacting. My feelings are hurt though and I don't want this to come out wrong but I miss him. I just don't like people very often. And I like him. And I feel like if I were the one being pulled away by life's bullshit, I'd still be making time to communicate with him. Emails.. or something. But he doesn't do that at all. He's spoke to me twice since this all fell through... once in a rather annoyed tone because I had IMed him distressed a couple of times and texted him and called him once. At the time, I hadn't heard ANYthing from him and I was actually kind of scared he was dead or something. Or his internet got shut off and he had lost my phonenumber. I was genuinely worried and feeling very insecure at the same time. The next time he hopped on WoW unexpectedly and came at me in a sort of "Just checking in so you don't freak out" manner. It didn't feel nice or lighthearted. And then he went silent for a while and logged off without saying goodbye. That was days ago and now it's back to nothing. I know I'm no one special and he has no obligation whatsoever to report to me or fill me in. Or even say hi. His life is his life and I'm just some girl two states away he met on a video game. It's a shame that the times I do decide to care about someone, I care more than is my right, and I usually end up hurt. I feel like a fool because he led me to believe he was the same way. In his words "It was like fate brought us together. We're meant to be friends." But I guess he was just blowing sunshine up my ass. My heart and soul like to balance in two extremes. Either I'm all there for you, or I can't really be there at all. If he decides all of a sudden I did matter, I'm afraid it just won't be the same. I'm not going to put myself through the hurt again, and he committed one of my pet peeves. The night he "checked in" in a slightly hostile way, he also promised.. yes.. promised.. that he was off work and free the next day and would talk to me then. This evening will mark four days ago that that was said. I never heard from him that day and still haven't.

So as you can see, a lot of things are bugging me lately. All the things from my last entry.. and now this. THIS is heart ache. THIS is the blues. It's not dramatic sobbing or deep depression, it's just a nagging shitty feeling you can't seem to shake. And as if I didn't already have enough trouble sleeping, this has all made it worse. Now not only can I not sleep at night, I can't fucking sleep during the day either. Good music only offers temporary relief. Though I'm nervous as hell about it, I'm still glad A-Kon is close at hand because I really need the vacation. I need some fun and a change of scenery and to be around some fun people.

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To Lykurgus if I had the guts to say it. I really like you and I miss you. I wish I was as important to you as I thought I was. Important enough to throw a short line here and there to, just to let me know you're doing alright and that you haven't forgotten me. Or, if the truth is that I did something wrong or hurt you or you just don't care much for me, I'd like to know. It wouldn't feel good but if there's a problem who's the say there might not be a solution. There is such a thing as a meaningful apology when someone has made a mistake, and there is such a thing as getting annoyed by someone and simply not liking their company any longer. Something here just doesn't feel fair.

To Astralle if I had the guts to say it. I think it's really shallow that you can't be my friend simply because I'm not a guy. You seem to think it's in your best interest to have someone more interested in you physically than mentally. A guy will certainly fulfill that wish for you, and be gone in a second, where as I would still be there. And I speak from experience now ^. I thought you were different and I was sad to find out I was wrong.

 
 

When you're a creative person, no matter what it is you do (drawing, painting, writing, sculpting, sewing, etc etc) you will have "I suck" moments. These may at times be countered by "I'm so cool" moments. The "I suck" moments however, are much more dramatic. There are some talented people out there and they do what they do, and they don't give a shit what anyone thinks of it. Coincidentally, those are usually the people who are the best at what they do and without even caring, they have a million people showering them with praise and compliments. And then there's people like me... who feed off of the reactions of the spectators. See, I care too much what people think about my art. And about my singing. And about all of my other little creative endeavors. In fact, it's this very thing that causes me to fall short on my road to improvement. If someone doesn't REALLY like something I've done, it kills my confidence. A little snowball of "I must not really be good at this" causes an avalanche of "Well, I must be a shitty person who no one likes". I could trace my past to all the things that I think bred this awful insecurity in me, but what good would it do? I can't take any of it back.

I feel like I'm waist deep in mud. Just like it would feel to try and walk or move waist deep in mud, is how I feel about where my talent is at this point. I try SO hard to be good at my art and singing only to find after all the effort, I've barely moved an inch. Is this it? Can I really not get any better? And why do I have to care so much what other people think? Were I able to stop, would I finally get really good? It's so frustrating to think about it actually makes me tear up and feel a sort of rage in the pit of my stomach.

I'm so fucking sick of handing over my confidence to other people. What I mean by that is.. I let what people say about my singing or my drawings determine how I feel about myself in those respects. If someone doesn't react just the way I was hoping, I hate myself and have an "I suck" moment. It's stunting my ability to get any better. My muse packs her bags and splits. My imagination slumps. Maybe I'm really not even as good as I thought I was.. and no one has had the balls to just tell me to give up. Like when a 5 year old draws an ugly squiggle and everyone tells them how great it is. Have I been lied to by the few people who DO like my art and singing?

When I ask myself the question "Why don't you just stop then? Stop drawing and painting and singing and everything else" the answer is clear. I can't. It's what I love to do. I MUST do it. But rather than enjoying it as I should, it just stresses me out. Because I know in the end I'm not "that" good. And god fucking damn it, I want to be good! I want people to like it!

Plan A. I have to stop caring so much what other people think. It's a catalyst for feeling like a failure every time. No one ever reacts the way I want them to. No one ever likes what I do as much as I wish they would. Not even Karl. I'm in this one alone. Step 2 to Plan A, I have to quit spreading myself so thin. I need to really concentrate on the art, or the singing, or one of the million things I try to get good at. Only then will the "jack of all trades, master of none" cycle end.

You know, I thought self esteem issues were bad when I was a kid and teenager.. but they were nothing then compared to how they get when you're an adult. When it's not ok to be a basket case anymore. You have to fake it. Act like everything is fine. That's the adult thing to do. It goes from being kewl to be emotional to being even kewler if you can bottle it up and hide it from everyone. Putting up a tough front and acting like you prefer to avoid confrontation or talking about your past makes you mysterious. The way I see it, I have a problem I'm about fed up with now, and I can't help but think never having anyone to talk to about it except for a fucking blog on the internet isn't going to fix anything, or even begin to help it heal.

These days, it's like I have a big growth. Right in the middle of my body. It's heavy, painful, uncomfortable, embarrassing, and I can't find a cure. I have to carry it around, hoping others won't notice it while trying to function as a normal person and ignore it... or hide it. Just when I forget it's there, it flares up. I wouldn't say it causes suicidal thoughts.. but rather a wish that I didn't exist. I really resent people sometimes who grew up well. It's not fair what I had to go through. I survived, but at what cost? Pieces of my sanity were ripped from my soul and thrown in the trash. I'll never get them back.

Well, now that I've gotten that off my chest I feel a bit better. Upon analyzing what I've written already, I guess it's pretty obvious I'm depressed right now. I imagine I have been for a while. Nothing to do but see if it passes.